|Boundaries in Dating
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Boundaries in Dating provides a way to think, solve problems, and enjoy the benefits of dating in the fullest way, including increasing the ability to find and commit to a marriage partner.
- Practical, Systematic and Thought Provoking
If you have or if your friends have trouble with their mate, I am sure this book can give you some practical advice. It helps you to see dating prblems clearer....more info
- Safeguarding the sacred soul of self and others
This book, now abridged in audio, cuts to the heart of relationship issues. Fundamentally, in relationships, many problems surfacing years into the future, can be prevented by focusing in on our own and our prospective mate/date's spiritual character and ability to grow. This book tackles the fundamental reason that many relationships do not suceed, a failure to establish the boundaries that safeguard the most precious soul. It is a book to give, to read and to ponder, about valuing the self and others as sacred creations. ...more info
- good and bad
As I read this book I appreciated that he aknowledged that scripture never said not to date. However other parts seemed very empty to me. The chapter on sexual relationships encouraged us to not engage in premarital sex simply to protect our feelings. He did not aknowledge that God commands us to not engage in premarital sex. This book very much is a reaction to "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and I was excited to read it because I felt "I kissed Dating Goodbye" made some good points but still was a little hollow. This book went to the other extreme and encourages people to date many people at the same time. I do not feel that this is a good solution either. Chapter 4 "dating won't cure a lonely heart" is a timely message that many of us need to hear. The book for this chapter is worth reading. Just be aware that the whole book is not wonderful....more info
- Fresh Perspective on Christian Dating--a MUST READ!
Full of wisdom and insight, this is one of the best books ever written about dating from a Christian perspective! This book has helped me identify unhealthy issues in my own dating patterns and areas in my life that I need to work on...and has given me courage and affirmation to date healthy, safe and balanced individuals. I'm sure that you will find it to be a source of education and encouragement as well. The topic of setting boundaries is a bit conceptual however, with a thorough understanding of its importance, you will be well equip to apply the truths outlined in the book to your own personal situations. A strength of the book lies in the practical examples the authors share to clarify each of the key principals and to help you apply them in your life. (I'd suggest reading the first book, "Boundaries" for a more indepth overview)....more info
- A Must-Have for Building Better Dating Relationships
This is the first time that a book was so helpful I wanted to write a review. The book is written with a Christian focus, but the relationship issues that are identified are universal. My dating relationship had recently ended and reading this book was essential for the healing of my broken heart. I was able to see how my lack of boundaries contributed to our problems. I was also able to identify character deficits in my ex and understand that it was better to be alone than in an unhealthy relationship. I strongly recommend this book to anyone who wants to identify the recurring patterns in their relationships and take ownership for their role in these patterns so that they can have more satisfying relationships inthe future....more info
- much superior to 'kissing dating goodbye'
These guys are Christian, have been there, and know the pitfalls of dating and how to avoid them. Great teaching on life, let alone dating. How do detect safe and unsafe people to date is super advice, and turn it around and see how you need to change to be safe. I did. They give a short criticism of 'kissing dating goodbye' which is right on and I wish more would realize....more info
- Dating is about relationship development
I recommend this book to singles that I counsel. In today's culture, developing a healthy relationship with the opposite sex is vital. I have counselled too many young people that have ignored the Biblical requirements for healthy relating and suffer hurtful or harmful consequences. If you are single - read this book. If you have a son or daughter ready to date or actively dating - share it with her or him. In fact, read it together and discuss the content. ...more info
- A must-read in today's dating scene
This is a great book. If I try to tell you all the reasons why, I'll just end up copying it word for word. So I will attempt to highlight a few of the book's strengths. First, I liked that it doesn't make dating bad ipso facto. A lot of dating is sketch in this day & age but dating in and of itself is not, and can, in fact, be good. The authors, who are both Christian psychologists, illustrate how dating is a helpful aid in the marriage discernment process, and how at the same time, it can be a tool for our own personal spiritual growth.
It is balanced between evaluating the person you are dating and evaluating your own character and what you bring to the relationship. It is sometimes tempting for Christians to seek perfection in a date/future spouse, but the authors help the readers to refocus their sights on righteousness, not perfection, reminding us that we need to take the logs out of our own eyes before we deal with the specks in others.
The book is nicely organized into 4 parts: You and Your Boundaries, Whom Should I Date?, Solving Dating Problems: When You're Part of the Problem, and Solving Dating Problems: When Your Date Is the Problem. As an added bonus, there are Take-Away Tips at the end of every chapter that summarize the main points just outlined.
I know for my part that this book has helped me understand past relationships, as well as discern for the future. It is a welcome antidote to the prevailing theories of love, sex, and relationships. I recommend it without reservation....more info
- Huge Help
I am divorced and did not want to go through the same pain again. Yet, I knew I wanted to love, be loved and have a family someday. I went to counseling to deal with the hurt and become emotionally healthy. But I found that in dating sometimes I stayed with someone because it stroked my ego. This book really helped me to put dating in the right perspective and think about it holistically. It has also helped me to get to know my boyfriend in a deeper, more meaningful way than I have ever known a man. I am now able to bring faith into dating relationships. I also know the questions to ask and the type of dialogue that is important to have. ...more info
- piercing, and warming insights INDEED!!
I was afarid to read this one.because in this day and age who's setting aside boundaries? CHRISTIANS!! It really spoke to me and showed me all my past errors and how i am able to overcome them.
I also learned: when you set boundaries you can tell who's into you and who's not.
- Bringing God into your dating relationships
"Boundaries in Dating" is a guide toward dating intentionally, intended for those who wish to have some spiritual guidance in their dating relationships. It helps to answer in part questions that should be a part of any dating relationship: where is God in all of this, and what role does God play in our dating relationship? How do I reflect God's values in my approach toward dating?
In Part 1, the authors recommend the approach of "taking God on a date" with you. They encourage requiring and embodying truth in dating relationships, guard against repeating the past, and remind that "dating won't cure a lonely heart," for that role belongs to God. (Additional spiritual reading, such as Henri J. M. Nouwen's "The Inner Voice of Love," support the theme of addressing needs and loneliness from a spiritual perspective as a foundation to addressing them from a relational perspective.) Part 2 examines character discernment of one's dating partner, and Part 3 examines self-reflection, particularly the issues of clinging to false hope (when a dating partner's actions don't support stated intentions) and the role of blame. Part 3 is particularly valuable in assigning responsibilities to roles in the dating relationship, sorting out what's your responsibility and what responsibility lies with your dating partner.
Chapter 17, "Set Appropriate Physical Limits," is the best discussion I've ever read on the long-term, destructive effect of premarital sex on our emotional, spiritual, and relational well-being. Far more than being merely prohibitive, it examines deeply the importance of delaying self-gratification. It provides a refreshingly thought-provoking and countercultural reminder that God's ways are not the ways of the culture in which we live, and what a challenge it is to integrate these two ways of life, should one choose to do so.
"Boundaries in dating is about becoming a truthful, caring, responsible, and free person who also encourages growth in those she is in contact with," the authors write. "Your dating life should be a powerful change agent for you." Countering the common assumption that dating is limited to "finding the right one," Cloud and Townsend take the spiritual approach that dating and relating is just as much about "learning about your own issues, how they affect others, and what to do about them." That dating should bring us closer to God seems to be the authors' ultimate goal in writing this book....more info
- Great advice for safe dating/courting/friendships
This book was life changing. Coming out of an abusive situation which led to a divorce, I knew I needed help if I were ever to marry again! I figured that it was best to figure out why the abuse happened, as well as what I had done wrong in my choice of mate. This book was SO insightful that I wish it had been in print before my first marriage.
As it happens, I got into a dating relationship much sooner than I had expected. I had figured that I needed at LEAST 2 years to regroup before even planning to begin dating again. "Fate" had other plans. I got into a very bizarre and abusive dating relationship with a man who was unlike anyone I had ever known in that he manipulated me, lied, and had the gall to accuse me of trying to control him! Soon I began to feel those awful, trapped feelings from before.
I kept trying to step back and just slow things down (since he wanted to date me AND someone else at the same time and I happen to think one should be patient enough to date only one person at a time for the sake of other people's feelings). Part of the reason it felt so exhausting was the way he would talk about really wanting to marry me and then in the next breath tell me about a date he planned with the other gal he was just starting to see. When I challenged him about the hypocrisy and cruelty of playing with my feelings, he would accuse me of being controlling. When I tried to just be "coffee friends" until he decided how he felt about the other gal, he would accuse me of being controlling and not wanting the best for his son and himself. God had to finally wrest him away from me by having him dump me without telling me and then find out in a month or so that he was planning to marry yet a different gal in 4 months. Praise God for His mercy AND for THIS BOOK!
After the fact I read this book and it was like a bolt of lightning sending me back to reality. NO, it hadn't been wrong for me to tell him how I only felt comfortable dating one person at a time and only dating people who felt the same way. YES, I had been right to be bothered by the "little" lies he told me about his whereabouts. And YES, I was really wrong to have felt so desperate that I was so unattractive and getting old so fast (at 44--LOL) that I was not taking the time to think things through and to insist on an equal footing in our relationship.
I have given a copy of this book to several people, including to my own handsome but single sons:) One of them only barely escaped from a very controlling girl when she began to press him to change his college plans and get married a year early, before graduating from college and before having a very clear idea of what first job he wanted to pursue! He feels SO free having applied the principles of this book.
My story has a happy ending in that several months after the end of that nutty relationship I met a very honest, polite, considerate, generous, kind, affectionate, hard working man who just adores me:) It was a whirlwind romance, but the RIGHT kind. We are coming up on our 4th wedding anniversary and the 5th anniversary of our first email and first date. God is good and this book is the kind of great advice one would hope to get from BOTH one's mother and father (if one were smart enough to LISTEN to them--LOL).
I recommend this as essential, insightful reading for guys and gals from age 12 to age 100! If you follow these guidelines I can almost guarentee that you will NEVER get yourself into another abusive relationship. Just make sure that YOU are the same kind of person that the book discusses so that you may bless your date as well as he/she may bless you! Happy dating:)
This is ALSO a great book for picking out your friends! These authors have written several other great books such as Changes That Heal, Boundaries, Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries With Children, and a book which I think is called 12 Things That Can Drive You Crazy. God bless you! ...more info
- Read it...and Read it again. :-)
There is no doubt dating can be many things. Fun, joyous, and a time of growing, but it can also be painfull, awekward, and confusing.
While reading this book and applying the principles laid out inside won't make a dater's life perfect it will give someone who is(or will be) dating a great guide to help avoid the many pitfalls of dating relationships.
Really, though many of these principles can be used in all relatinhips.
To me, as a Chritian single man, I found this book priceless!
- Insightful and practical
For those of you who have been skeptical of the courtship movement, this book not only analyzes the problems with some of ideas generated on Christian dating recently, but gives a practical, non-formulaic solution to dating and all manner of relationships. Written by two Christian counselors with doctorates and many years of experience counseling Christians on issues of dating and marriage, Boundries sets out a clear, biblical foundation for romantic relationships.
This book is aimed at singles, but Cloud and Townsend have written "Boundries in Marriage" as well. The workbook to "Boundries in Dating" is also especially helpful....more info
- Kiss "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" Goodbye
Dating is a very difficult thing to do in our society, especially as Christians. This book provides an excellent outline for Christian singles. Dating isn't the problem, it's the people doing the dating that mess it up. If done correctly, dating can provide us with excellent social skills and friendships. This book is a must read for all singles who are looking to be healthy in their dating. Definitely 5 stars A great supplement to this book is Safe People. Cloud and Townsend are fabulous and have been given a great gift....more info
- For those seriously waiting Patiently for their true love
Wow, it took me two weeks to finish this book [and that's reading it every day!!] - why? I had to read some lines over and over until they fully sunk in .. that's the type of book it is, so full of wisdom and jewels .. I wish I had it for all my past relationships! BUT the good thing is that I am fully prepared and would do well in any 'serious' relationship and MARRIAGE that I am to commit to - I can't wait to find someone that has GOOD CHARACTER as is willing to work on being a life mate and to please God ... wow! a MUST HAVE for anyone ready for a life time commitment!...more info
- Boundaries in Dating
Just be aware that this has alot of holy roller crap in it.. a turn off for me. I'll look for another book that doesn't preach....more info
- Easy Reading and Good Ideas
This book had some new ideas for relationships. We all know that dating nowadays is hard work! I related with the don't screw up your friendship out of lonliness part. This book is good for people truly wanting a relationship. I also suggest you read "Stumbling Naked in the Dark" and "Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School."...more info
- Don't move those Boundaries!
Boundaries in Dating is an excellent book for those who wish to enter the dating scene and form healthy relationships. It is for those who have never dated, and for those who are tired of failed relationships, and for those people who are happily dating, but want to continue towards excellence. When I began reading this book, I realized how many times I had compromised my personal boundaries, and how each time I did that I was plagued with guilt. It was a pattern that this book helped me to recognize. I have now taken ownership of my part in dating problems. I have also learned that the other person has problems that only he can fix. As a result of reading this book, prayer, and listening to the Holy Spirit, I am able to discern more quickly whether a particular person is whom I desire to spend time with. Christians will find this book especially helpful because of the spiritual approach, but I recommend it to others as well....more info
- A Great Reminder
This book is a good reminder of all those "common sense" rules we should use in dating, but also brought up new ideas for me to think about. I certainly recommend this to anyone regardless of their dating situation or religious background. A lot of these principals carry over to every day life, too (honesty, thinking of other's needs, putting yourself first in a healthy manner, and friendship). This is certainly one of those books I will read more than once over the years and refer back to very easily. It's written very simply and gets right to the point....more info
- Good reference, Practical suggestions
This is one of the best books that I have read concerning christian dating. Some books are too theoretical and some too practical without much bible reference. This book plays a nice balance between both.
It stimulates a lot of thinking on how we should handle a relationship. There are always good and bad things that we will encounter in a relationship. By quoting relevant bible verses/promises, it gives solid ground on where we should put our boundaries for the goodness of the couple.
Very easy reading, worth the time to gain good perspective about one's relationship. ...more info
- Excellent Read
Dr. Cloud's book is excellent! He uses easygoing conversational language that keeps the reading light. I am reading and discussing this title with my girlfriend and it has led to some fun/interesting conversations. Through sharing this book we have learned much about each other, grown individually and grown as a couple.
The author also uses caring language and helps you understand mistakes you may have made or continue to make in relationships. Dr. Cloud may confirm your thoughts and leanings or give you better and newer understanding of why we do what we do in our dating relationships....more info
- Gaurd your heart - and that of the one you love
This book is great. The bible says a something about a city without walls or a person with no restraint is like a city without walls, that can be easily beseiged.or in other words any one can just come in and out of your ife and reeck havoc. This book gave me the courage to stand for what i always knew i wanted in a relationship but was afraid of loosing the person if i said anything. i always thought i would be the one loosing out but instead i have discovered that is it was a test of my love for the other person, causing me to have the courage to face the truth of the situation and hold my ground, while still respecting the other person in love and a spirit of truth.
God used this book for me to want the best for the other person inspite of the discomfort i was feeling denying my flesh from getting its way. Or should i say from doing the things i had always done which ended up no where. My flesh was fighting this new thing, this new method. it was a fight, it hurt but i made it by the grace of God and i see how God was protecting me all the way as well.
It really allowed me to love my self enough and not inflict self harm to my heart pretending or in some cases ignoring the facts coz of fear of being alone. By the grace of God i tackled and confronted things i would have just buried and become bitter about. i feel so free and i really feel like i deserve true love and an honest relationshop because i have set the tone for how i want the relatioship i will be in, to be. i hope this review helps you. The book keeps it real and is well balanced, just like Jesus is
GOD TAUGHT ME, THAT WHAT IS BEST FOR THE MAN I LOVE NOW WILL BE BEST FOR ME IN THE LONG RUN. This temporary discomfort cant compare to the joy we will share because of the boudaries we put up not to hinder us but to protect us....more info
- I should have read it sooner.
As a Christian man who got involved closely with two psychopathic women, I also understand that dating is a two way street. This book, more than a handful fo times, showed where not only I was wrong but where I should have also put up some boundaries in order to save myself some frustrations and heartaches.
Keep in mind that this book is from a very Christian perspective, so only read it if you plan on treating your women right, with the value they deserve, and not like some ghetto-slaving gutter-skank....more info
- A must read for dating and intimate relationships!
You might ask yourself, I have heard this word boundary, but I do not know what it means. Boundaries are often mentioned in terms of relationships. Boundaries are a simple concept, but they can vary from person to person. Boundaries essentially keep the good stuff on the inside and the bad stuff on the outside. In the book Making Dating Work Boundaries in Dating, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend discuss boundaries at length.
Now, I just mentioned that everyone has boundaries whether they realize them or not, and they are meant to keep the good stuff on the inside, and the bad stuff on the outside. Now boundaries can keep the good people close to you, and the people that will hurt you away. Think of boundaries as an invisible property line around yourself, and that those boundaries should keep the good things in, and protect you from things you do not want in.
Examples of violations of your person boundaries include: the loss of freedom of oneself, being with the wrong person, control issues, the inability to say no, doing too much within the relationship at the expense of yourself. Boundaries are your beliefs and ideals that make you especially unique. Infringing upon your boundaries only serves to make you an unhappy person.
How do you know what your personal boundaries are? You need to know yourself. Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true." You do need to know what is important to you. What qualities do you like in yourself, and want from others. For example if you value honestly, being with someone that is not honest will not make you happy in the long term. You will need to be strong enough in your personal character to eliminate people who do not exhibit honestly in their words and in their actions.
Now looking at just you being honest with yourself requires some homework on your part to acknowledge what is important to you, for you to be willing to uphold your ideas, and then you must communicate your ideals to others. You need to communicate your expectations about a relationship clearly. When that other person may violate your expectations you need to be willing to discuss these ideas head on, and if need be you need to be willing to set that relationship free.
Boundaries are really meant to protect you. They are meant to keep you happy, and safe in relationships, whether these are friendships or relationships that may go further. You do have some ownership in knowing what things are important to you, they may be honestly, personal character, not using drugs and or alcohol. Once you know where your standards are you can communicate these to others and position yourself around people that will not violate your personal boundaries.
In addition to this book, I also recomment their other book Boundaries, and the workbook to go along with the text. Their topics are so insightful and do a marvelous job of explaining what boundaries are, how to set them, and how to tell others where are boundaries lie.
HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!! After going through a divorce and finally at a place where I was ready to maybe date again, I read this book. What a thought provoking book! Where was this book when I was dating at 16yrs old??? This book helped me reflect where I had been and where I wanted to go. It provided such great insight and wisdom. This book helped me become emotionally healthy. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!!!
ALSO please check out the other books that Dr. Henry Cloud has written. His original "Boundary" book was integral in helping me deal with my Ex as well as my Ex-In-Laws. There is also a cd series available....more info
- Good consul for the rest of us.
Many Christian authors insist that courting or betrothal systems are God's way for us to avoid pain and find a "soul mate." These methods are often based on a dubious patchwork of Bible verses or an adaptation of Old Testament cultural norms. We can learn from the past, but duplicating it is not the answer. For those Christians who live in 21st century culture and deal with age-old relational issues, "Boundaries in Dating" is a practical resource.
Drs. Cloud and Townsend wrote "Boundaries in Dating" in part to rebut the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," by Joshua Harris. While they applaud Mr. Harris' intention to help people forsake sin and find a good spouse, they are skeptical of his anti-dating conclusions. The authors claim that character, and not a method, is the real key to finding a quality partner. If you have good character, then any matchmaking methodology will work. However, if you have relational problems or are a bad person, then no method will overcome these handicaps. Indeed, one who is deficient in character but skilled in manipulation may corrupt a method for his or her advantage. I've seen too many peers who jumped through all the typical Christian pre-wedding hoops, only to wind up divorced or in troubled marriages.
The authors acknowledge that most folks have hang-ups that make romance difficult. And unfortunately, there are wolves in sheep's clothing that must be avoided. Therefore, boundaries are a necessary part of a healthy dating relationship. "Boundaries in Dating" describes where boundaries are needed, ways to set them, and how to enforce the consequences when they are violated. Some complain that boundaries are a way to control other people. However, the authors view them as tools that reveal good character or uncover impure motives. Boundaries define areas of sensitivity and conviction, and whether or not they are respected tells a lot about a person. For example, if a gal lovingly acknowledges a guy's physical affection boundary, then she is demonstrating virtue by her respect for him. However, if a man continues to demean his girlfriend in public despite her protests, his disrespect shows that he has internal problems. Of course, good character does not equate to perfection. A boundary violator who repents and demonstrates growth is still a good bet, while a chronic boundary-crasher should be let go.
Like many people, I was raised in a dysfunctional setting. I didn't even become a Christian until I was seventeen. When I reached adulthood, I crashed and burned when dating other flawed people. Courting did not fix my internal problems or prevent them from manifesting, and involving the woman's parents in the process didn't shield me from getting hurt by her hang-ups. So I'm not impressed when obsolete marriage practices are defined as the only God-sanctioned way to gain a spouse. As one who is currently dating, holier-than-thou hedges just don't do it for me. Instead, I desire prayer and wise counsel to help me glorify God within my cultural mode of relationship. Good friends, wise mentors, and books like "Boundaries in Dating" help fill that need....more info
- if you have a string of bad relationships, read this book!
this is a great handbook for dating. i thought i was pretty good at the whole priorities and boundaries thing, but this book has helped to polish and shape some of that. it provided me with insight on many aspects of my dating experience . it has made it easier for me to understand and help my friends whose dating lives are less than satisfactory......
i reccomend this book especially if you just can't seem to find mr./ms. right, or if you have problems in the relationship you are in now.....it can make a world of difference in your life!...more info
- Challenged pretty much everything I thought about dating!
Excellent Book. I read their other book "How to get a date worth keeping" first. That totally did a paradigm shift for me on dating. This book really goes into explaing why dating relationships go bad and how to identify the warning signs and how and when to confront a dating partner and what issues are central to a healthy dating relationship. A super good book. You will understand what it means to have a healthy dating relationship. These concepts can be used in a marriage also. If you want a healthy real dating relationship, this book is the one to get. I've had a number of my friends read both books and we love them both!!!...more info
- Learn Skills to Date the Right Way
I found this book extrememly easy to read and very insightful. In fact, I highlighted the pages as I studied it. I now want to go back and re-read the entire thing.
It is a great book if you want help in identifying reoccurring problems in your dating life. It has great insight on what to look for in a mate as well as the skill needed in growing a relationship.
I would reccomend it for Christians and non-Christians alike. The basic principals of the book can apply to everyone....more info
I was very upset that this book was geared towards Christians. Nowhere on the front or back cover did the book mention that the book would include quotes from the bible, tips for abstaining from sex before marriage and how to maintain a close relationship with God. I am an atheist! This is more than a little misleading...frankly, I was very offended that the authors would just assume that everyone who picks up a book about relationships subscribes to Christian beliefs. For that reason, I'm only giving it one star. Luckily, I got the book from a library, but if I had paid for it I'd be very unhappy.
That said, if a religious guide to dating is what you're looking for, you may like this book. It does have some good suggestions to offer, and I like how each chapter had a summary list of important points. This is great for a quick review of each chapter. ...more info
My family raved about "Boundaries In Marriage" (also written by the same authors as this book). I had never heard of the series before, but thought I would give this "dating" book a try. I have never spent so much time taking notes, (I didn't get the workbook and should have... but just ordered it) and highlighting things. It gave me a new sense of depth... for myself and for future relationships. It also ensured current beliefs and brought me to new levels that I otherwise wouldn't have obtained on my own. Though this book is based on the reader being Christian, the general idea is great for everyone... Christian or not!...more info
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