|Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
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An expert guide for codependents on how to stop controlling others and start caring for themselves.
- Are you codependent?
Just what I needed! This book was very helpful to me! I got alot of great instruction from this book, I started reading this thinking it was for someone else and came to find out I could apply the information to my own life! Very, very helpful!...more info
- A must for anyone living with addiction
After 26 years of marriage, I recently found myself living with an alcoholic-and it is a FAMILY disease. This book clearly outlines how codependency manifestes itself in your life. This book not only describes symptoms but prescribes solutions and is the best read on the subject. If you need clarity, focus and are ready for recovery...start here!...more info
Very enlightening book. Helped me to see what I was doing to our relationship and how my behavior was hurting us. I am not an alcoholic but I am a person who needs to be in control. I can now see how my need to control zaps the energy from others and does not let them have self worth.
Highly recommend this for anyone. ...more info
Beattie sort of touches on behaviors/experiences that many of us can relate to. I don't think we'd interpret these things in the way that she does (nor give them the managable labels she does), but it does feel good to have these hard-to-define things explained to us by someone who speaks like she knows what she's talking about. I think that causes many of us to accept her interpretation of things and accept her as an expert on the subject. But Beattie, in her affected authoritative tone, rambles all over the place, and it can cause your mind to feel disoriented and confused. And this confused state of mind you fall into while reading her words helps to conceal how Beattie consistently contradicts herself throughout the book. After the first 100 pages or so I felt dizzy at all the confusion she'd stirred in me. Or maybe SHE didn't stir anything up in me - I'm a codependent victim. Sheesh. I think the good feelings this engenders in people is due to people relating to a lot of the same gripes as Beattie. It's nice to see our problems in print - it gives us hope for a solution to these problems. But the good feelings end there. Beattie does more damage than good. The one message that blasts loud and clear out of this book is CARE FOR NO ONE BUT YOURSELF. But then she says that caring for people is good. But don't do it. But you can still love them. But don't. This appears to be a book written by a conflicted woman who obviously has issues, and decided to put in print the neurosis that helped her to cope with these issues. It just makes me feel bad that people may try to implement her ideas/advice in their lives to the destruction of their good relationships. She's advocating being alone -"undependent" of anyone - and taking the "necessary" steps to detach from these relationships. Some abusive relationships may need such severing, but Beattie casts the label of "codependent" under a wide enough umbrella to cover everyone. "Everyone's codependent." So good relationships will be destroyed by following her advice, as well as bad ones. I think that down the road many people who follow her advice and alienate the people who love them in their effort to be "undependent" and "detached" will feel a deeper pain than the one that caused them to pick up this book in the first place. And then they'll just be confused as to why they're unhappy - they did just what Beattie said.
It pains me to know that this book is in print. I'm sorry for everyone's individual pain and I hope you find something to soothe it. This book, at best, is destruction disguised as hope....more info
- Great eye opening book
Not only does this book help explain co-dependency, it offers amazing strategies and activities to heal from it and learn new, healthy ways of relating to people....more info
- This book will change your life
This book gives you tools to break destuctive behavoirs that all co dependents have . It is very freeing and unlike most books give you something to do instead of just describing the problem. I have given this book to many who were blessed as well....more info
- It's OK for Men to Buy This Book.
It took about ten pages before I started recognizing myself in the portrait of the co-dependent. Then--Eureka!
Melody writes from the perspective of someone who's been there as a chemical abuser, as an enabler of other abusers, and as a therapist. Most sections are well-written enough to rise above a slant towards either gender. I have to admit I felt embarrassed ordering this book. Had a male therapist not strongly recommended it after I went to him feeling overwhelmed by my own situation I would have continued to dismiss this and other "recovery" literature as fodder for Oprah and stereotypical hen-parties. However, I quickly realized through reading this book (once I found a nice dark corner) that co-dependency is a real phenomenon for both men and women. As the non-alcoholic in the relationship a man might have not done anything to "deserve" what he's suffering at the hands of his tormentor (and himself), but nonetheless it has an inevitable and lasting effect. This book can get him started towards admitting the problem so he can address it and perhaps start to rise beyond the anger, confusion, self-doubt, resentment and negativity to a happier place. This is what they call "recovery".
My only criticism of the book is how it starts looking cobbled-together towards the end. It seems some content was shoved in to get it to the 200-page level to justify more shelf space or a higher price tag. It would be well worth the $11 as a 50-page pamphlet. A "patty" this good doesn't need filler.
So even if you're a Joe Six-Pack meat-and-potatoes type of guy, give this book a try if a loved one has a alcohol or drug problem. Chances are that over time their problem has become yours in more ways than you might think....more info
- Feeling like you have no control over your self-esteem?
This book is a must-read for anyone who has struggled with self-esteem brought on by the abuse of others....more info
- Targeted toward Alcoholics!
To begin, I bought this book because I wanted to understand what codependent actually meant, seems everyone has a different notion as you will see if you buy this CD. Author bores you with every one of her colleagues definitions of co-dependant, which vary greatly so by the end of the first disc you are prepared to accept that every single person that ever lived is codependent. "You are co-dependant if you like to drink water, if you hate to drink water, if you have trouble sleeping, if you sleep too much...: COME ON! It was laughable at times. SOOOO Long, SOOOOO many twists and turns and qualifications and re-qualifications and anecdotes Very little substance. From the start I wondered who I might give it to when I had finished but wait..I cant do that, that is codependent behaviour, sharing anything with anyone is codependent, as is being selfish!
Book is tailored toward alcoholics and really could have been edited to half the length. SNORE!...more info
- Truth and help all in one book.
I was once in a relationship that tore me apart. I hated the guy, but I couldn't bear to think of life without him. He had be questioning my sanity and going from one extreme to the other. For two years, I poured all of myself into a relationship that was unhealthy, one-sided, and destructive. My brother recommended me to read this book when I was in the relationship, but I felt too proud and stupid to read something with "Please don't say you need me" on the cover. After the relationship ended, I was bored one day and began reading.
It was like a revelation... I didn't KNOW how much of a co-dependent relationship I was in. I really cannot recommend this book highly enough. I think there is a lot of truth and potential help for those who are miserable and lost in unhealthy relationships. Even people who are not in relationships might gain some insight and wisdom from reading this book. ...more info
- Co dependant no more
At this point I love not having to read and having this book on CD is great.
I am not all the way through the book, but so far this is an excellent book.
Of course with any self help information you get out of it what you put into it.
I would recommend this book and for the busy bee having it on CD is fabulous....more info
This kind if thinking is what's wrong with America. Caring deeply for someone you love, even to the point of taking on their problems, is not wrong, nor pathological. It's part of what makes us human. Life is hard. Deep companionship, sharing of hardships, deep emotional involvement, feeling each other's pain - Humanity have grappled with these concepts since time immemorial through art, literature, philosophy. Along comes the American "Self-movement" and declares patly that any level of sacrifice for another is sickness, that one's own happiness is all that counts, and that this happiness exists in your own "vacuum" independent of the feelings of others close to you. Emotional poison!
This book has come to serve as a bible for those who are afraid of intimacy/human interdependence and are looking for moral justification for their continued self-centeredness. To them, I say - toss this garbage, start daring to involve yourself in the lives of others again, love, live - we all need others! You're no different, and Melody Beatty is the shallowest of philosophers. If you have an imperfect, troubled love relationship with an imperfect, troubled human being, welcome to the club. It's called being human.There's nothing wrong with it. Toss this book on the fire, stick out the tough times TOGETHER. The reward will often be much greater than immediate
'self' fulfillment. ...more info
- Like receiving the answer key to decode a broken relationship
The concept of codependency has made its way through our culture but I did not really know what it meant, so I went back to this original source to learn more.
Bingo. Eureka. Light bulbs popping on. I really connected with Melody Beattie's definition of a codependent as a person "who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior." It sounds simple, but encompasses a whole lot of misery and dysfunction. As Beatty quotes Scott Egleston, "Codependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn't get needs met. We've been doing the wrong things for the right reasons."
Often this happens when dealing with a loved one who is abusing alcohol or drugs, but it can also arise in other situations in which a family member has an obsessive disorder or other problems. Every family would benefit from understanding these concepts. For example, I work with mothers, and I can see how maternal caregiving could easily slip into codependent caretaking of our children or other family members--with worry, anxiety, controlling, and failed rescue attempts--if we are not aware of these dynamics.
Some readers may be turned off by Beattie's insistence on Twelve-Step programs (like AA and Al-Anon) and the Twelve Steps themselves and their "Higher Power" orientation, but even so I think this book is well worth reading.
Being codependent can make you feel truly crazy and leave you wondering why. Why can't I help my loved one? Why am I so angry at my loved one, and myself? Reading "Codependent No More" was like receiving an answer key that helped crack the code that explains the whole situation. The solutions are not easy by any means, but it feels like a positive first step to have a deeper understanding of the dynamics at work; to learn that we are not alone, and discover there is a path forward....more info
- To Thine Own Self Be True
This book has been a useful tool in my life. Living with an alcoholic and knowing many, it has given me many helpful suggestions. I learned that I am only responsible for myself and I cannot change anyone else. I had to learn to feel good about myself and not look to another to do that for me. I thought I was a victim but then learned that there are no happy victims and I want and deserve to be happy.
I now have many healthy relationships and have a lot of fun in my life. Along with Melody Beattie's books, I have found other authors that I absolutely love because they too are about living in the moment and having a magical life. The two books are "Working on Yourself Doesn't Work" and "How to Create a Magical Relationship" by Ariel and Shya Kane.
Go for your life, fill yourself up with what feels good to you and be true to yourself, if I can do it, so can you.
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
It is a valuable tool to work on your innner self. Hightly recomended...more info
- Thank you
This book is a god send! Maybe because she doesn't use a bunch of boring tech talk or because I am truely codependent, but even if you are not, this book is helpful in opening anyone's eyes. This book I would recomend to everyone. Wow! Self-help for the masses! ...more info
- Co-Dependent No More
Having had alcoholic family members in my childhood, it was recommended
to me by a friend in counseling, that this would be a good book to read.
I bought myself this and am happy I did, recognizing some of my own behaviour as well as finding ways to change my behaviour to have a more content and balanced life. I recommend it for those who have any such issues....more info
This book is perfect for someone who wants to stop controling others, focus on thier own maturity and live in truth and reality!...more info
- This book saved my life.
My life fell apart after I received treatment for a lower back injury and my counselor recommended I read Codependent No More. This book, coupled with the love of my best friend and my family, saved my life. I am purchasing 5 additional copies so my support network can each have their own....more info
- Helpful in so many ways
This is the book that started it all. I know it is clich¨¦ but, this book has changed my life and my thinking...
I was talking to my father on the phone one day and I was explaining to him how I have no problem exercising and eating right when Otty is gone but I can't seem to keep it up when he is home. My father then asked me if I wanted to know what that was called...he told me it was called co-dependence and that I should start learning about this by reading a book called Co-dependent No More. I pretty much ran out right away and purchased the book.
Now, I have never been a big advocate for self-improvement books, but I have to say that this book was very enlightening. Co-dependency has a different definition for everyone. This book made me delve into my own retched thoughts and confront them head on.
This book made me realize that I have a voice and an opinion and both matter just as much as the next person. I realized that I can make decisions and not have to worry if my opinion is what other people may think or want. My opinion is exactly that...my opinion. It is okay to have an opinion that is different than someone else's.
I also learned that I need to detach myself from the people in my life that cause me harm...emotionally, physically, doesn't matter...
Though I may not struggle with an abusive alcoholic, I still struggle with the internal doubts and feelings of self worthlessness. I have learned that I do not need to immerse myself so deeply in someone else's life that I lose myself. I can keep my individuality while sharing my life with another. If we have conflicting views...that's alright.
When I first read this book, I figure that I would not post my feelings about it because they were too personal. However, now having some distance from the book and being able to employ the lessons I have learned, I am able to share myself with others.
I am not perfect and it is absolutely acceptable for me to let other people know this. Maybe, by sharing these thoughts, someone else might be inspired to read this book and better themselves as well.
- Proof is in the Pudding
I read this book and in the beginning I thought "Oh, this kind of book is for people attracted to people with destructive personalities." As I read on, it is for people used to putting themselves last. Some people may have that hero or Christopher columbus mentality. But when the villain is destroyed or the land is found - now what? You are in a rut because the excitement is gone.
There are others that fall into the "you complete me" trap. Complete yourself then find a partner. This book totally changed how i feel about myself and my experience. I recommend this book to anyone who is/was in a relationship that is essentially over....more info
- Extremely helpful
Codependency is far more prevalent then one is aware. My many years in Al-Anon were very helpful but so many unanswered questions were found when I looked at my codependancy issues, that I was unaware of. Many thanks to Melody Beattie's books....more info
I'M HAPPY WITH THIS PRODUCT, IT'S REALLY USEFUL, ALTHOUGH I CONSIDER THAT EVERY SITUATION AND PERSON IS DIFFERENT, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO APPLY ALL THE SCENARIOS WRITTEN ON THIS BOOK TO WHATEVER SITUATION WE ARE GOING THROUGH. LET'S JUST TAKE THE BEST OF IT AND CONTINUE GOING ON. THANK YOU....more info
- Codependent No More
I haven't finished reading it yet but just by reading introduction and couple of chapters, I knew that book was what I was searching for... It is just what I need to get through difficult time......more info
- Co-Dependant No More
Co-Dependant No More - Excellent book - gives you alot to think about and reflect on - and see what needs to change in your life. A++++...more info
- An excellent book for an alcoholic's spouse
I am the wife of an alcoholic and this book really helped me see my part in our marital problems. It will help you realize your own worth and how to set boundaries to protect yourself....more info
- An approach to being better
I'm only halfway through it so far so I'm not completely sure. However it seems to have some good information on what we codependants do to ourselves and activities at the end of each chapter to make it easy to understand....more info
- CO DEPENDENCE NO MORE
This book is just great . It helps you to see what is going on in your life , that you may not want to see . It is a real eye opener . It will change you forever . ...more info
- CODEPENDENT NO MORE
This is an excellent book and I just purchased 2 more copies to replace those I have loaned and that have not been returned. ...more info
- Rollercoaster of Dysfunction
Often those affected by addiction do not realize how "hooked" they are on taking care of the other person. This book will hit home with anyone who has ever tried to control someone else's addiction by being a caretaker. The book illustrates codependency in a way everyone can relate to. It's amazing how your eyes will open when you realize your behaviors are not only harming the other person, but you are losing yourself in the round-n-round rollercoaster of dysfunction. This book will give you the hope and inspiration that things can be different....more info
- Lacks Substance.
Firstly, people should be aware that this book is really only intended for those that are in serious need of help. Mainly women whose partners are alcoholics, abusive etc..
Secondly, there is a lot of reference to god, being a saviour only if you trust in him...blah blah.
Lastly and most importantly, there is way too much waffle and not enough practical advice. Most paragraphs open with "ohh we are sad sorry folk who have little self esteem.. ", over exaggerated to prove a point, but nevertheless that type of writing is hardly worthwhile considering the reader wants change/help.
-FYI, I'm a 24 yo male who doesnt believe in man made religion....more info
- Some insight
I was given some insight while reaing this book. I don't agree with everything in here, but no one is going to be completely satisfied with everything. I do not like the format or the"beatin around the bush" persay. I felt there was a lot of babbling and many tims when I thought I was getting somewhere she goes on to say...Later on in coming chapters...that is annoying. If I am on the subject now I want the meat and potatoes now, not later. She looses me a few times in each chapter with a lot of useless information I believe. The other thing is this book is reallygeared towards people who have relationships with people with many issues. I am in fact codependent, but I need a book for codependents who aren't enabling an alcoholic or sex addict, drug abuser, etc. etc. I didn't quite get that from this book. I will say it was a goo staring point and did put me in the right direction to finding out what many of my issues are and gave it a name so I may do further research on my own...mybe I'll write my own book on codependency....more info
- Everyone could learn something from this book!
I laughed and groaned my way through this book, recognizing myself and my loved ones throughout the pages. A good book for those with a severe codependency problem, or those who simply want to improve their relationships with Self and others. A bit heavy on the "positive thinking/love yourself first" mantras, but solid instruction and methods for better relating. I Highly recommend this book!...more info
- Not sure what to say....
I purchased my book on the 1/7/09, and never heard from the seller at all. Having NEVER experienced any problem whatsoever from sellers outside of Amazon, whether purchasing for myself or for business, I did not question this. Finally, at the end of January, when I had still not received my book, I researched the situation online, and found out that I had until the 30th to really consider it a delinquent order. So, at that time, I send an email to the seller stating that I had not yet received my book, and was still really interested in receiving it. No response was heard from the seller.
After waiting respectfully beyond the "Amazon-Accepted" period for delivery, on February 2nd, I contacted Amazon and stated that I wanted a refund. This refund and my complaint were processed speedily...thanks Amazon!
The next day, I received an email from the seller stating, "I was away for a funeral and just got your e-mail," as an excuse for a month of non-response. While I would like to express my genuine condolences for the seller's loss, and certainly have been through my own deep, personal loss and grief, and understand the havoc it plays upon one's ability to stay on top of things, I did, in fact, purchase this item a month prior. I also have not, in my experience, come across funerals that last for an entire month, with no allowed contact to the outside world. However, that would be my personal experience as a citizen of my own culture, and cannot make any assumptions on the seller's behalf. And again, I truly offer genuine condolences to the Seller for her loss.
However, I would offer that in the future, if one has a part-time or full-time occupation as an on-line seller (as I have done from time to time on Ebay, and value my rating with my life), it behooves one to put up some sort of alert, or at least send a response to incoming orders or emails that says..."Going through life stuff right now, please accept delays or consider ordering from someone else, thanks." I would never have harbored any ill feeling or looked elsewhere if she had just been honest and timely with me. That would have been nice....more info
- Maybe The Most Helpful Book I've Read
I first read this book about 7 years ago and found it really helpful. I recently bought the audio to listen to in my car because I re-read the book a few months ago and I felt like there was a lot in it that I didn't absorb the first time. This book has helped me more than anything else to increase my awareness of my tendencies to be codependent with people. I've found that the more aware I become of my codependency and of the fear that motivates it, the easier it is to drop old patterns. I can't even express in words how grateful I am for this book and how much it is helping with this process....more info
- THE PHILOSPHY OF CODEPENDENT
If you agree with the concept of codependent, this might be a good book for you. I found myself completely disagreeing with the author in that she seems to think that her definition of codepedent is a state to be overcome. Nothing could be farther from the truth. One could also define codepedent as passionate, loyal, selfless and honorable. A "real" friend.
While it is true, it is not a good idea to get so wrapped up in someone else's life that you do not have a life of your own, at this point our agreement stops. This author seems to feel that people who care, should not. The friend who interceeds to stop another friend from killing themself, is wrong. They should "let them handle their own problems". What ever happens- happens. If a drunk kills someone..it is their problem. If a friend is going through anger and takes it out on you, walk away - it is not convient for you. I find this kind of thinking scary. It is what is wrong with our world. No one cares about anyone but themselves. It is what causes the wars and sucide as others feel alone and abondoned by society. Everyone has weakness. Everyone has faults. Everyone needs others. Caring and reaching out is not one of them.
Skip this book and go with your own instincts. It's advice Of course do not let anyone run you, but to care with passion and honor is not wrong. ...more info
- There's not much more wrenching than codependent irrational guilt
I'm one of Melody Beattie's biggest fans. If it were not for her, so many of us would not be so aware of our subconscious irrational guilt when we want to help ourselves as much as we help others. I am an alcoholism counselor, and most of my codependency clients also are dealing with active alcoholics in their families. Melody Beattie referred around 14 times, in footnotes, in her 'Codependent No More' book, to the book, "Getting Them Sober".Getting Them Sober: You Can Help! (Getting Them Sober) So, I bought it and used it with my clients.....and now I can see why that book is the 'sister book' to Melody Beattie's books. (Melody wrote the cover endorsement for "Getting Them Sober", saying it is the 'best book for the family of the still-drinking alcoholic'. I counted over 200 suggestions in that book that really help with dealing with the stil-drinking person.) ...more info
- Helpful but
I purchased Codependent No More after someone suggested it to me because she was aware that I was in a place in my life where I was/am looking to make some changes.
I have received some very wonderful messages and helpful insights as to why I have certain habits and behavior. However, I am not the spouse, daughter or any relation to an alcholic or drug user. The reason I say this is because I almost didn't continue to listen pass the first cd because that is who the book seemed to be geared towards.
I understand that the book is intended for people who "suffer" from and with codependency however the word alcholic must be mentioned at least 1,000 times. It really began to wear on me, I felt as if the book should have been "Codependent to/with an Alcoholic No More."
It was a test of my patients and tolerance to continue listening because I was trusting that God's message for me was in the book. I received it but I must admit, it was with a lot of teeth grinding....more info
- Glad I didn't buy it. . .
instead, I checked it out at my local library. It was
DEPRESSING (unnecessarily)! She said in 200 pages what could have been said in 50. Most of the ideas were repeated. If one is reading that book, they must have a pretty good idea they are co-dependent. Instead, she gives multiple check lists, vignettes, definitions. She never turns it around postively so you can benefit from the grueling experience (of reading her book). She also "talks down" to the reader, referring to herself frequently as a "professional." There are many professions in the world, many highly educated who are co-dependent....more info
- A life preserver.
This book is a sanity saver. There are some inspirational things to take away from reading it. Beattie injects her own life story into this self-help book. Coupled with her other books, it makes for reflective and well written advice....more info
- Good Solid Advice
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie is a straightforward guide with examples and exercises to help people who lose sight of their own needs and happiness when living and loving someone who is addicted to alcohol and other drugs. If you are depressed over living in a codependent world and care-taking all the time this book will help you overcome that dependent relationship you are in.
After you read this book it may be a good time to consider reading my book entitled "The Enlightenment, What God Told Me After One Million Prayers, a Message for Everyone" (See Profile Above)
I was surprised by the CD, and didnt really get into it until the 2nd one, which was where the messages were so much clearer about the book and its purpose. I have bought it for my sister hoping to help her on this journey of co-dependence on her husband....more info
- Eye Opener
This book was a huuge eye opener for me. If you believe you might be codependent or want to find out more on the subject- this book is for you. It contains many examples of real people; as well as a list of habits and traits a codependent generally possesses. It also offers helpful tips to break the cycle and possibly change your life. I recommend this for anyone who is, thinks they might be, or have a codependent in their life....more info
- Letting Go of Control
This book is a must for anyone who is learning to "Let Go and Let God" be in control of their life as well as those of others....more info
This book was recommended to me and I was so impressed by it I bought it for my mother also. Was definitely the book I needed to read. Wish I had read it years earlier....more info
- Codependent No More
This book was pretty helpful in some ways. It is easy to read and it is not just for people who are in relationships with substance abusers. I think there is a lot of material in this book that could be of help to people who don't see codependency as a problem in their life....more info
- Great Book and a Great Help to Me!
Excellent book of you are strugglin with codependency issues or want to know more about it. Easy to read and understand. I thought it was inspiring and gave me a sense of control over my life I've never had before.
- very enlightening book
The book starts out a little rough but gets more to the point as you read. Very imformative for someone dealing with issues of alcoholism. Right on point in that respect. I would recommend this book....more info
- This book is saving my life and my relationship
My counselor suggested this book. So being the good "student" I went out right away and purchased it. I can tell you I would gladly pay a million dollars for what's in this book (if I had it). Although, it mainly deals with people coping with alcoholics/drug addicts, it spoke to me. Each night I couldn't wait to read it and almost immediately I was able to start applying some of the suggestions. It has made such a difference in the way I'm starting to think, about myself and everything around me. It's also helped to lift the heavy despair that has been keeping me from enjoying my current relationship. I'm here on Amazon to purchase the next book, Codependency and Beyond (I think that's the title). I'm even going to give it to my partner, so that she can finally see what I've tried so hard to explain. I can't say enough good things about this book. I'm planning on writing to the author to tell her just how much this has helped me...in fact, it saved my life. ...more info
This was a book bought for a friend at her request.
Shipping was fast....more info
- Great Book!
This book was very insightful and written by someone who actually developed codependency. Told stories about situations so that I could relate to what codependency actually is. I would recommend reading this book!...more info
- LOVE THIS!
At age 40, this book helped change my life! I never knew that I was codependent until I read this. Now that I've read it, I know what to fix and HOW to fix it!!!...more info
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