|Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
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recovery has begun for millions of individuals with this straightforward guide. through personal examples and exercises, readers are shown how controlling others forces them to lose sight of their own needs and happiness.
- Rollercoaster of Dysfunction
Often those affected by addiction do not realize how "hooked" they are on taking care of the other person. This book will hit home with anyone who has ever tried to control someone else's addiction by being a caretaker. The book illustrates codependency in a way everyone can relate to. It's amazing how your eyes will open when you realize your behaviors are not only harming the other person, but you are losing yourself in the round-n-round rollercoaster of dysfunction. This book will give you the hope and inspiration that things can be different....more info
- Free to Really Live
This is one of the best books on CoDependency that has been written so far. It is recommended by many in the counseling field, along with the workbook, to introduce the destructiveness of its vicious emotional cycle.
As a trained Biblical Counselor, I recommend it most of the time to my counselees as it shows up in a multitude of relationship problems. It is an eye-opener to the those who want to know why they or someone else behaves the way they do....more info
I think every person co-dependent or not, alcoholic or not should read this book. It applies to our every day strugles in life. There no normal family.
Thanks, Jill ...more info
- Read it a long time ago, gave it as a desired gift
Timely in any decade of life, with any relationship in life. A must read for "why can't I fix them" folks....more info
- This Book Wiil Save Your Life
First, if someone else's behavior (like your son, spouse, family member, etc) is making you scared, unhappy, resentful or in any other way unhappy, then this book will give you the tools to not only deal with the situation, but fix it. It's because it teaches you that the only thing you can fix is yourself! That's what you truly have control over and thank God for that! If your happiness and peace of mind really were someone else's responsibility, you'd be in big trouble.
Here's a great quote from the book, "The Wisdom of the Rooms":
"Put the magnifying glass down and pick up the mirror"
Oh how I love focusing on you. If you would only stop doing this or that, or if you'd start doing this or that, then finally, maybe I'd be happy. Relieved of the responsibility of self, it was so easy to be critical, resentful and dependent on you. If you only knew what you were doing to me. If you loved me you wouldn't act this way. Don't you care about me? These were my constant thoughts.
When I first entered Al Anon, my sponsor told me something shocking - he told me that my happiness and well being were MY responsibility. He told me it was and always will be up to me to make my life enjoyable and safe. "But what happens when she does this?" I protested. "Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror," he told me. What was I doing to cause, contribute or in reaction to it was my only concern.
It took me a while to see the profound wisdom of this new way of thinking. Once I put the focus on me, I regained the power to influence and direct my life and happiness. If it's all about you, and I have absolutely no control over you, then I will forever be a victim. But when I do place the power and responsibility where I do have some control - over my own life - that's when I begin to recover and regain hope. It's about the mirror, not the magnifying glass today.
If that made any sense to you then buy both these books and read them right away! You can live a better life and you deserve it!
Michael Z, author of The Wisdom of the Rooms "A Year of Weekly Reflections"
- Everone should read this!
In my opinion, the information covered in this book should be a mandatory education read at some point. All of us know a codependent. If you must pick only 1 book on codependency, enabling, addiction, alcoholism, or the like, I HIGHLY recommend this be the one you choose. It is the textbook. ...more info
- A must for anyone living with addiction
After 26 years of marriage, I recently found myself living with an alcoholic-and it is a FAMILY disease. This book clearly outlines how codependency manifestes itself in your life. This book not only describes symptoms but prescribes solutions and is the best read on the subject. If you need clarity, focus and are ready for recovery...start here!...more info
- Wow, I was so the Enabler!
This review is short and sweet. The book is a very easy read and very useful. Luckily for me, I had already made all the changes, and read the book for awareness - to understand why I did certain things and why I felt the way I did. It's a great book, one I keep on my shelf and refer to when I need that "wake-up call." I got that life lesson and am moving forward. Life is so much kinder when you take care of yourself. ...more info
- Truth and help all in one book.
I was once in a relationship that tore me apart. I hated the guy, but I couldn't bear to think of life without him. He had be questioning my sanity and going from one extreme to the other. For two years, I poured all of myself into a relationship that was unhealthy, one-sided, and destructive. My brother recommended me to read this book when I was in the relationship, but I felt too proud and stupid to read something with "Please don't say you need me" on the cover. After the relationship ended, I was bored one day and began reading.
It was like a revelation... I didn't KNOW how much of a co-dependent relationship I was in. I really cannot recommend this book highly enough. I think there is a lot of truth and potential help for those who are miserable and lost in unhealthy relationships. Even people who are not in relationships might gain some insight and wisdom from reading this book. ...more info
- There's not much more wrenching than codependent irrational guilt
I'm one of Melody Beattie's biggest fans. If it were not for her, so many of us would not be so aware of our subconscious irrational guilt when we want to help ourselves as much as we help others. I am an alcoholism counselor, and most of my codependency clients also are dealing with active alcoholics in their families. Melody Beattie referred around 14 times, in footnotes, in her 'Codependent No More' book, to the book, "Getting Them Sober".Getting Them Sober: You Can Help! (Getting Them Sober) So, I bought it and used it with my clients.....and now I can see why that book is the 'sister book' to Melody Beattie's books. (Melody wrote the cover endorsement for "Getting Them Sober", saying it is the 'best book for the family of the still-drinking alcoholic'. I counted over 200 suggestions in that book that really help with dealing with the stil-drinking person.) ...more info
- Helpful Book
Very good book. It was recommended to my husband by a therapist. We both enjoyed it & found it extremely helpful....more info
- It took me 3 years to read this wonderful book
The words in this book pierced my denial armor. It hurt me so badly to see myself on almost every page, that I could only read a few pages a month. It is the ONLY self-help book (well, besides "The Language of Letting Go") that I own. If you let it, it can help you change your inner self...that's how powerful it is....more info
This book was recommended to me and I was so impressed by it I bought it for my mother also. Was definitely the book I needed to read. Wish I had read it years earlier....more info
- Good Solid Advice
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie is a straightforward guide with examples and exercises to help people who lose sight of their own needs and happiness when living and loving someone who is addicted to alcohol and other drugs. If you are depressed over living in a codependent world and care-taking all the time this book will help you overcome that dependent relationship you are in.
After you read this book it may be a good time to consider reading my book entitled "The Enlightenment, What God Told Me After One Million Prayers, a Message for Everyone" (See Profile Above)
- Extremely helpful
Codependency is far more prevalent then one is aware. My many years in Al-Anon were very helpful but so many unanswered questions were found when I looked at my codependancy issues, that I was unaware of. Many thanks to Melody Beattie's books....more info
- Maybe The Most Helpful Book I've Read
I first read this book about 7 years ago and found it really helpful. I recently bought the audio to listen to in my car because I re-read the book a few months ago and I felt like there was a lot in it that I didn't absorb the first time. This book has helped me more than anything else to increase my awareness of my tendencies to be codependent with people. I've found that the more aware I become of my codependency and of the fear that motivates it, the easier it is to drop old patterns. I can't even express in words how grateful I am for this book and how much it is helping with this process....more info
- Some insight
I was given some insight while reaing this book. I don't agree with everything in here, but no one is going to be completely satisfied with everything. I do not like the format or the"beatin around the bush" persay. I felt there was a lot of babbling and many tims when I thought I was getting somewhere she goes on to say...Later on in coming chapters...that is annoying. If I am on the subject now I want the meat and potatoes now, not later. She looses me a few times in each chapter with a lot of useless information I believe. The other thing is this book is reallygeared towards people who have relationships with people with many issues. I am in fact codependent, but I need a book for codependents who aren't enabling an alcoholic or sex addict, drug abuser, etc. etc. I didn't quite get that from this book. I will say it was a goo staring point and did put me in the right direction to finding out what many of my issues are and gave it a name so I may do further research on my own...mybe I'll write my own book on codependency....more info
- Glad I didn't buy it. . .
instead, I checked it out at my local library. It was
DEPRESSING (unnecessarily)! She said in 200 pages what could have been said in 50. Most of the ideas were repeated. If one is reading that book, they must have a pretty good idea they are co-dependent. Instead, she gives multiple check lists, vignettes, definitions. She never turns it around postively so you can benefit from the grueling experience (of reading her book). She also "talks down" to the reader, referring to herself frequently as a "professional." There are many professions in the world, many highly educated who are co-dependent....more info
- It's OK for Men to Buy This Book.
It took about ten pages before I started recognizing myself in the portrait of the co-dependent. Then--Eureka!
Melody writes from the perspective of someone who's been there as a chemical abuser, as an enabler of other abusers, and as a therapist. Most sections are well-written enough to rise above a slant towards either gender. I have to admit I felt embarrassed ordering this book. Had a male therapist not strongly recommended it after I went to him feeling overwhelmed by my own situation I would have continued to dismiss this and other "recovery" literature as fodder for Oprah and stereotypical hen-parties. However, I quickly realized through reading this book (once I found a nice dark corner) that co-dependency is a real phenomenon for both men and women. As the non-alcoholic in the relationship a man might have not done anything to "deserve" what he's suffering at the hands of his tormentor (and himself), but nonetheless it has an inevitable and lasting effect. This book can get him started towards admitting the problem so he can address it and perhaps start to rise beyond the anger, confusion, self-doubt, resentment and negativity to a happier place. This is what they call "recovery".
My only criticism of the book is how it starts looking cobbled-together towards the end. It seems some content was shoved in to get it to the 200-page level to justify more shelf space or a higher price tag. It would be well worth the $11 as a 50-page pamphlet. A "patty" this good doesn't need filler.
So even if you're a Joe Six-Pack meat-and-potatoes type of guy, give this book a try if a loved one has a alcohol or drug problem. Chances are that over time their problem has become yours in more ways than you might think....more info
- only good things
I purchase the book Codependent no more, and it was in great conditions and the whole purchase and shipping went smoothly. Exactly how it it suppose to be when you buy products online. I recomend and I will buy it again when I need it!...more info
- Lacks Substance.
Firstly, people should be aware that this book is really only intended for those that are in serious need of help. Mainly women whose partners are alcoholics, abusive etc..
Secondly, there is a lot of reference to god, being a saviour only if you trust in him...blah blah.
Lastly and most importantly, there is way too much waffle and not enough practical advice. Most paragraphs open with "ohh we are sad sorry folk who have little self esteem.. ", over exaggerated to prove a point, but nevertheless that type of writing is hardly worthwhile considering the reader wants change/help.
-FYI, I'm a 24 yo male who doesnt believe in man made religion....more info
This kind if thinking is what's wrong with America. Caring deeply for someone you love, even to the point of taking on their problems, is not wrong, nor pathological. It's part of what makes us human. Life is hard. Deep companionship, sharing of hardships, deep emotional involvement, feeling each other's pain - Humanity have grappled with these concepts since time immemorial through art, literature, philosophy. Along comes the American "Self-movement" and declares patly that any level of sacrifice for another is sickness, that one's own happiness is all that counts, and that this happiness exists in your own "vacuum" independent of the feelings of others close to you. Emotional poison!
This book has come to serve as a bible for those who are afraid of intimacy/human interdependence and are looking for moral justification for their continued self-centeredness. To them, I say - toss this garbage, start daring to involve yourself in the lives of others again, love, live - we all need others! You're no different, and Melody Beatty is the shallowest of philosophers. If you have an imperfect, troubled love relationship with an imperfect, troubled human being, welcome to the club. It's called being human.There's nothing wrong with it. Toss this book on the fire, stick out the tough times TOGETHER. The reward will often be much greater than immediate
'self' fulfillment. ...more info
- Great Book!
I bought this book and it basically describes me perfectly! I love this book and it has definitely helped me get over some of the issues I am/was facing....more info
- THE book for you if you're an ACOA
This book is a necessity for anyone who's had a less-than-perfect family situation and who has the tendency to people-please. If you get wound up and anxious about other people's lives, moods, emotions, feelings, etc., to the point that you're sacrificing your own needs, you're probably co-dependent and you can live a much happier life if you start addressing your co-dependent habits.
Thanks to this book I am taking better care of myself--the person who all these years needed much more help than what I was willing to bend-over-backwards for other people. ...more info
- LOVE THIS!
At age 40, this book helped change my life! I never knew that I was codependent until I read this. Now that I've read it, I know what to fix and HOW to fix it!!!...more info
- Audio version
Excellent audio CDs. I did not realize how co-dependent I was until I listened to them and they have helped me rethink so many of my actions or reactions. They have helped to bring peace to my life and help eliminate worries and control issues. I listen to them each time I have alone time in my vehicle....more info
- False diagnosis led to more abuse!
This book, as well as a false "codependency" diagnosis empowered my abusive husband to continue his cruel behavior. He was horrific with constant verbal, emotional and sometimes physical abuse, and he wanted to blame it all on me. I lived in fear and torment through my entire marriage, but my abuser said it was my fault for "making" him angry with my personality and attempts to have my own opinions. He told me I needed to change to be more like him and went to therapy saying I was ruining his life. Unfortunately, his therapist didn't know the truth- that my husband was incredibly demanding, controlling, expecting and abusive. He would wait on me hand and foot, against my wishes, then berate me for hours and hours at a time because nothing I did in return was good enough. He was critical and impossible to please. So, my husband came home with the idea that he was codependent and that he was enabling me to "act out." He read this book, and decided that I was the one making him codependent and that I was the one who was abusing him by not giving into his every desire and making him happy enough. Sadly, this led him to abuse and criticize me more, and he now has even more excuse to deny responsibility for his cruel and torturous behavior. Instead of recognizing and stopping his abusive behavior, he decided that, since he was codependent, I must be the corresponding abuser. Never mind my bruises, emotional anguish and fear every time he came home! Maybe there are people who could benefit from this book, but in my case, it caused my abuser to deny his actions and escalate his cruelty. Maybe there are codependent people out there who do allow people to abuse them, but in my case, the man who behaved with some codependent mannerisms was the abuser. Things got out of control when he decided the opposite, and I moved into a domestic violence shelter....more info
- Powerful and necessary
What an excellent book for someone who questions what is "Co-dependence" and for someone who is involved with a recovering addict or still in their addiction. It is powerful and life changing. I cover this book at least twice a year to support my own recovery....more info
- An excellent book for an alcoholic's spouse
I am the wife of an alcoholic and this book really helped me see my part in our marital problems. It will help you realize your own worth and how to set boundaries to protect yourself....more info
- Like receiving the answer key to decode a broken relationship
The concept of codependency has made its way through our culture but I did not really know what it meant, so I went back to this original source to learn more.
Bingo. Eureka. Light bulbs popping on. I really connected with Melody Beattie's definition of a codependent as a person "who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior." It sounds simple, but encompasses a whole lot of misery and dysfunction. As Beatty quotes Scott Egleston, "Codependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn't get needs met. We've been doing the wrong things for the right reasons."
Often this happens when dealing with a loved one who is abusing alcohol or drugs, but it can also arise in other situations in which a family member has an obsessive disorder or other problems. Every family would benefit from understanding these concepts. For example, I work with mothers, and I can see how maternal caregiving could easily slip into codependent caretaking of our children or other family members--with worry, anxiety, controlling, and failed rescue attempts--if we are not aware of these dynamics.
Some readers may be turned off by Beattie's insistence on Twelve-Step programs (like AA and Al-Anon) and the Twelve Steps themselves and their "Higher Power" orientation, but even so I think this book is well worth reading.
Being codependent can make you feel truly crazy and leave you wondering why. Why can't I help my loved one? Why am I so angry at my loved one, and myself? Reading "Codependent No More" was like receiving an answer key that helped crack the code that explains the whole situation. The solutions are not easy by any means, but it feels like a positive first step to have a deeper understanding of the dynamics at work; to learn that we are not alone, and discover there is a path forward....more info
- Great eye opening book
Not only does this book help explain co-dependency, it offers amazing strategies and activities to heal from it and learn new, healthy ways of relating to people....more info
- A basic for CoDA
A great reference and a classic for practitioners and for those struggling with these issues....more info
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