Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond)

 
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Product Description

Internationally renowned divorce therapist Bruce Fisher and his 700,000-copy bestselling guide, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, have made the long and difficult process of divorce recovery a lot easier. Fisher?s divorce process rebuilding blocks offer a proven, supportive nineteen-step process for putting one?s life back together after divorce. Built on more than two decades of research and practice, Rebuilding reflects feedback from, and the experiences of hundreds of thousands of divorced men and women who have read and used Rebuilding. Clearly the most widely used approach to divorce recovery, Fisher?s rebuilding model has made the divorce process less traumatic, even healthier, for his readers. The third edition, revised and updated with the assistance of psychologist and marriage and family therapist Dr. Robert Alberti, continues Bruce?s tradition of straight-to-the-heart response to the needs of those who are divorcing or divorced.

Customer Reviews:

  • My personal companion after separation
    This book has been my best friend since my wife left me. It has helped me understand the overwhelming rush of emotions that have come over me and has helped me realize that it is ok and normal to feel what I feel. It guides you through the stages one goes through during a crisis such as divorce. It has been such a comfort that I am reading it twice. The author has such a great understanding of the topic that it is as if he has known me personally. I highly recommend this book for anyone who is going through the pain of divorce, which is the greatest pain one may feel in his or her lifetime....more info
  • Practical, Insightful and Vital for all divorce survivors
    This book was the BEST thing I have read since beginning my divorce process. I feel like I have progressed so rapidly thanks to the information and practical advice found here.

    The writers guide the readers on HOW to change "stumbling blocks" into "rebuilding blocks". It's not full of over-your-head psychobabble. Very practical exercises to help you analyze the process of coping with divorce.

    One exercise I particularly benefitted from was the "goodbye letter" to your former spouse. It is not intended to be sent to them, but rather as a healing exercise in which to let go of all the facets of your dead relationship...good, bad and ugly.

    This book helps you to recognize the mixed emotions that go along with such a life changing event. YOU CAN SURVIVE! In fact you can THRIVE! Learning how to be single again is tough after being married (whether things were good or bad), but it can be the best experience of your life! Read this book and recommend it to all of your divorced friends!...more info
  • This book got me through
    This book has seriously helped me through a v. tough time, and I've turned to it over and over again. It captures all of the nuances of the divorce process, and helps to make sense of it all. I can't recommend this book enough, and I've bought *a lot* of books about divorce. There is another one that I like, something about Daily Meditations, but this is my #1. ...more info
  • A Terrific Guide to the Post-Divorce Wilderness
    I read this book not long after my divorce, and while doing research for my book on divorce He's History, You're Not: Surviving Divorce After 40 and found it really helpful. One of the most helpful aspects was the reassurance that there ARE stages that it is normal to experience, and that one builds on the other. The illustrations of the actual building blocks of divorce recovery make the process visual. It really prevents despair to recognize that what you are experiencing is the same thing so many other divorcees have gone through, and that you're not going to be stuck in one place forever. You can, and will, eventually move on to the glorious stage where your divorce is in the past and you are free to start a new life.

    Erica Manfred
    author
    He's History, You're Not: Surviving Divorce After 40...more info
  • A life saver
    I wish I'd found this book earlier in my process of recovering from heartbreak and divorce. Nothing is going to make the pain go away, but this book really helped me understand what I was going through. It assured me that the crazy mix of emotions I was feeling were quite normal and it gave me so much comfort knowing that eventually I would heal and move on. I would not have believed it if didn't describe what I was feeling then so accurately. If you're hurting after the end of a relationship - BUY THIS BOOK IMMEDIATELY and start reading.
    ...more info
  • Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends
    In its third printing, this book is a self-help manual for those trying to recover from a divorce, or going through the process of divorce. The first thing I noticed about Rebuilding is the feelings that surface during this trying and stressful period of your life are identified. When we are really suffering, it is hard sometimes, to analyze what we are feeling. Is it pain? Depression? Self-hate? All of the above? It is comforting to read that you learn we are not alone in our pain and confusion and that given the circumstances, the turmoil you are experiencing is quite normal. As each emotion is explored, the reasons for them are also examined. An example from another who has suffered the same misery is given, then the best part--what we can do with and about those upsetting, hurtful and sometimes hateful feelings that want to pull us under and drown us. For example, Chapter 7 looks at the two, " . . . very strong feelings which accompany the trauma of divorce--guilt and rejection. Advice given is to do a self-examination. Do we need to learn new ways of relating to people? Do we realize that feeling rejected is a part of ending any relationship? It's normal. It's natural. There is nothing wrong with us. Whew! If you are the one leaving the relationship, you are probably feeling guilt. You don't want to hurt someone you do or did love. However, say Fisher and Alberti, "To end a love relationship may be appropriate because it has been destructive for both people." Leaving can be a good thing for both people in the relationship. The chapter continues to describe the emotional cycles the "dumpers" (the one ending the relationship) and the "Dumpee" (the one being rejected) go through. Fisher and Alberti acknowledge not everyone is going to react the same, but no one escapes the pain. No matter how we are affected, though, we must remember guilt and rejection are tied to feelings of self- worth and self-love. Build up these two areas and we will be less devastated by life's inevitable rejections. And how do we go about building our self-worth. Chapter 11 tells us how to go about that. The end of each chapter has a "How Are You Doing?" section. A list of questions will help us think our way through our dilemmas and offer ideas with which we can rebuild our lives. I like this book because it forces us to do something besides sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. There are ways to work through relationships that end, and we have the power and the tools to do it. We don't have to feel helpless. I like this book because it acknowledges we are not alone with our feelings. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We can go on to live a normal, happy life. It gives us hope. Bruce Fisher, Ed.D., (1931-1998) was the founder and director of the Family Relations Learning Center in Boulder, Colorado. He was a divorce therapist, author, teacher and a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Robert E. Alberti, Ph.D., is a psychologist marriage & family therapist, Fellow of the American Psychological Association, clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and author/coauthor of several books. A 287-page volume that demands us to do some work, but it is well worth the effort....more info
  • Excellent!
    This book covers alot and is well worth the money-anyone going through a divorce or seperation should read this book. It explained alot and was very comforting. I recommend this book especially if you or your signifcant other have childhood issues that are/were a problem. ...more info
  • Rebuilding
    This is a very useful reference for people trying to rebuild their lives after a divorce or death in their marriage relationship....more info
  • Read this book, start recovering from your divorce
    Rebuilding your life after a divorce is a daunting process. Divorce is a life altering event and it takes time to heal emotionally. I like how this book helps the reader deal with the emotional aspects of divorce. It helps get you on the road to recovery and ready to begin your new life.

    Christina Rowe
    Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...more info
  • Recommended by an excellent support group leader...
    I discovered this book when I signed up for a divorce support group. The group leader, a brilliant and wonderful woman, said that it was her "bible." She carried it around with her so that she could open to any page at any time and find help and comfort. I immediately bought a copy at Amazon.com and found that I too carried it with me in my handbag, kept it by my bed at night, etc. Every time the pain came, and it was often then, I opened to any page and found comfort and help. I am also a support group leader and have recommended it to others since then. This book is written with a rare combination of intellect and soul and warmth. The complex is presented in a caring way that's accessible to all readers. If I could recommend only one book for a broken hearted person, it would be this one! Should I ever need need this help and support again, it's a comfort to know the book is in my library....more info
  • Good info, but unpleasant writing style
    I thought that this book had some very good content. It reviews the "19 building blocks" of divorce, going over each of the significant emotions/stages a recently divorced person experiences. As far as my experience goes, the emotions identified were all correct. According to the book, if you work through all the stages you arrive at "freedom." It does include information for parents, but it was separated in the chapters, so a divorcee without children could easily skip those sections.

    My problem with the book was the writing style. I felt like the author spoke in a slightly condescending tone and kept reminding the reader how well he knows us and how wonderful and correct his program is. So while I appreciated what the book had to say, I got tired of hearing it tell me how fabulous it is!
    ...more info
  • great book!
    This book was recomended to me by a councelor after a bad break up with a boyfriend. I found it very helpful in identifying issues I needed to work out, some where surprises for me! Down to earth and warm reading. I'm re reading it now and seeing different info presented, you know, we only see what we want to see!...more info
  • Excellent therapy
    This book was recommended by a professional I'm seeing for grief counseling following my divorce. It has reiterated many of the ideas we've discussed in my counseling sessions and has amazed me that at times it seems the author was "reading my mind". I highly recommend it for anyone whose love relationship has ended. It's easy to read; each chapter is unique but tied to the others, and seems to cover all the emotions....more info
  • Essential reading if you're going through a divorce
    Ten years ago I went through a very painful divorce and a friend gave me a copy of this book. Reading it from cover to cover slowly brought me back to sanity. Since that time I've purchased numerous copies for friends that were struggling and it helped all of them. ...more info
  • Worth every minute spent.
    I am about 1/3 through this book and am finding it to be succinct, focused, relevant and exceptionally useful. The authors have done an amazing job distilling the essence of the work that one must do to recover from the loss of a love relationship, and why the work is necessary. I have already ordered it for a friend who is struggling mightily with his recent loss....more info
  • Clear, Simple, Direct, and a Good Start
    I wish I had found this book a little earlier on in the divorce process. When my wife first left me, things went downhill quickly for me emotionally. I was frozen at work and at home. As a guy that had problems dealing with my emotions to begin with, this book provided some insight into what was going in my head and heart. As other reviewers have said, it let's you know that you are not alone out there, and the things you are experiencing are part of the normal grieving process.

    If you are trying to pick yourself up after the ending of a significant relationship in your life (as dumper or dumpee), this book can at least point you in a healthy direction, while you are trying to sort thru just what happened.

    Though it is short on advice as to coming to terms with the ending of the relationship and figuring out what went wrong, it's greatest strength is as a companion to your journey toward healing....more info
  • very good and helpfull
    It was really good, help me a lot to undestand my feelings and find a method to cope during and after divorce..

    Really liked the final part of each chapter for kids cope, I have a 5 year old son recovering together with me......more info
  • Recovery & rebuilding when a relationship is gone
    This book of work is very simply put together. It is truly designed to help us understand the forces within us that cloud our ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I read this through 4 times to be sure to get every last nugget and understanding. With the help of this book and prayer I have been able to move beyond, into recovery and to see a new future. Without this book of knowledge I would have been trapped for a long time in a prison of my own emoitions and self pity. We are not living to practise life before the main event, each minute we have here in life is the main event. Grieve, cry, forgive those who have done you wrong, forgive yourself, then move into your future and don't let past bad experiences keep you from being fully alive.

    If you have read this then you are most likely searching for answers to a deep pain inside, get this book and rebuild yourself sooner than later....more info
  • An insightful reasource
    Going through divorce is difficult, alienating, and painful. I found this book to be a great source of material on the stages of pain that you go through with a divorce. This book takes you through the building blocks of what it will take for you to go through, and ultimately rebuilt from. Some of the topics covered are denial, fear, adaptation, friendship, loneliness, self-worth, transition,love, trust, and future relationships.

    I found myself clearly identifying with many of the stages that others go through in a divorce. It was refreshing to hear what you feel is normal and others feel that way too. Fisher and Alberti definately speak with insight, and understanding on this topic. This book was part of the reading along with the a divorce recovery class I took, this book was an important reasource in the class. It is definately worth picking up or checking out at your local library....more info
  • Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends
    I first read this book when it was newly published many years ago. It literally gave me a 'roadmap' of where to go through a confusing web of conflicting emotions. I think that it is most useful doing the first year after a relationship breakup, although I did refer to it many times subsequently. Since then, I have given away numerous copies to troubled and unhappy people. Time, of course, is the best healer, but this book is a great support to anyone on that journey. Bruce Fisher and his wife came to Australia and NZ years ago to give workshops which were very useful to lots of people. If you are prepared to do'the hard work' you will find it a very useful book....more info
  • Rebuilding: When your relationship ends
    This is a wonderful book. It helped me put myself back together better than I was before my relationship ended. It teaches you to communicate with the person who matters most- YOURSELF....more info
  • Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends
    An excellent book to help healing after the breakup of a relationship. I first used this book years ago following a divorce and have given it to a number of friends and relatives after they had a relationship breakup. It is a very practical way to return to normalcy....more info
  • old but very good
    i found that this book, although dated, is an excellent resource for all individuals coping with divorce (spouses, that is, not as much children). at the used price, this book provides outstanding help for most everyone going through divorce. i found that it was well written and well organized. it might very well be worthwhile the price new, as well. excellent resource for divorcing couples, family members concerned about divorcing couples, and mental health professionals dealing with divorces among clients. divorce, while not something that i personally approve of, provides adults with excellent opportunities for personal growth. ...more info
  • How to Ride the Emotional Rollercoaster
    I found Rebuilding at the local Library when I went looking for a different Amazon bestseller, and I am SO glad I picked up Fisher & Alberti's book first. I was lucky enough to get this book just a couple weeks after my wife asked for a divorce, and so I was starting right into the phases of Denial, Anger, and so forth just as I read about them in the book. I read it over the course of 3 weeks, then checked it out again and started over -- and the second time, I took my time and actually focused on the exercises at the end of each chapter. By the time I was done, I was pretty much done with hoping for a reconciliation, and the anger is pretty much all gone.

    I do recommend having someone to talk to about the exercises in the book -- a sort of accountability partner, a friend to whom you can REALLY open up. (Guys, take note of that: You need someone who is willing to listen to your pain, not someone to slug back a couple of cold ones while throwing darts at her picture.) It's important to have someone to talk to about the various topics in each chapter -- not just to vent but to discuss the ideas, to focus on your situation and find ways to move on with rebuilding your life.

    During my second read, I also took the time to write a long letter of goodbyes, as recommended in the book. (My soon-to-be-ex has never seen that letter, and she doesn't need to.) I was surprised at some of what I wrote, but it really helped to dig up those hidden resentments and now-dashed hopes. By the end of my second read, I was ready to focus on other things besides HER.

    Only time will tell how effective Rebuilding will be for me, but in these first 4 months, it has been invaluable. The library finally has their copy back and now I've bought my own. If you're starting into the divorce process, get this book to go along with one about the legal stuff. AVOID a book that tries to cover both the legal and the emotional problems in one volume, as it will invariably give both topics insufficient coverage....more info
  • Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends
    Very informative book. The book and workbook are also used to teach a course, which I believe will be very helpful. The book is very accurate with explaining the feelings that people are going through during a separation/divorce and it gives you positive strategies and tools to use to be able to grow and get through this very difficult time and come out of it a whole person. I also like that it gives you ideas of how to help your chidren during this transition also....more info
  • Sanity Saver
    I first came upon "Rebuilding" in 1985 when my long-term primary relationship ended. I was in pieces mentally, spiritually and physically. I started to read this book and wouldn't go ANYWHERE without its affirming and helpful messages. It accompanied me on my in-patient treatment for alcoholism and ended up on my counselor's most recommended reading list.
    After over 22 years of sobriety, and 15 years into a most healthy relationship, I still re-read "Rebuilding" from time to time. I've continued to recommend it to women walking that old walk; it has everything I need to keep my head focused on going forward in my relationship-building life....more info
  • Great read even for people currently in a relationship!
    I bought this originally for my partner's sister who has recently separated from her husband of 30 years. After reading other reviewers comments, I thought to get it and scan through it before giving it to her as a gift.

    From scanning just a few pages of various chapters, I really liked it for the simple language and 'matter of fact' style of writing. I believe it is relevant for those who are currently in a relationship who would like to 'get back to the basics'. Sometimes, we are so caught up in our own world, we forget what brought two people into a relationship in the first place.

    Good book. You can start from any chapter instead of having to read it from beginning to end. I gave one as a gift and bought another one for myself as well.

    ...more info
  • This book is your best friend through the hurt
    A friend lent me this book when my husband left me and I was in the depths of dispair. I was reading anything I could find to try and help me understand, but this is the one book that really helped. I latched onto it like a life-preserver to a drowning person. I have read each chapter several times now, and keep getting more out of it as I progress in my healing. I returned my friend's copy and bought my own (which I have now in turn lent to a friend in need.)

    One of the revelations I found comforting was simply to know what the physical symptoms of grief are - that my sore throat, my aching chest and my dry mouth were all manifestations of my emotional trauma.

    This book felt like I was talking to a friend who had been there and back, and could take me by the hand through the healing process and help me find my way back to joy. Please read it if you are hurting from the loss of a relationship - it will comfort you a great deal and help you move forward constructively. Then lend it to someone you know who could be helped by it....more info
  • Rebuilding? This book WILL HELP
    Unfortunately, I have experienced the end of two previous relationships. As you will learn by reading this publication, it does not matter who ended the relationship; the steps towards rebuilding (your life) are the same. If you continue to struggle after having read this book, read it again. It was necessary for me to read it several times before I could accept all that it has to offer....more info
  • Great Teaching Tool
    As the director of a career redirection program for folks "beginning...again" after divorce, I have been using Bruce Fisher's book for years. The practical approach and sensible building blocks to recovery never fail to comfort and empower the clients we work with. It's great for support groups to read and discuss, too, so while I think individuals can benefit from reading this book, I also recommend it to groups as a teaching instrument for healing....more info
  • Please journal with this!
    Excellent guide book to thoroughly journal with and self-grow with to recover from an ended relationship AND cheaper than therapy!...more info
  • Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends
    This book is a self-help manual for those trying to recover from a divorce, or going through the process of divorce. "Rebuilding" is the feelings that surface during this trying and stressful period of your life are identified. It is comforting to read that we are not alone in our pain and confusion and that given the circumstances, the turmoil you are experiencing is quite normal. As each emotion is explored, the reasons for them are also examined. An example from another who has suffered the same misery is given, then the best part--what we can do with and about those upsetting, hurtful and sometimes hateful feelings that want to pull us under and drown us. The chapter continues to describe the emotional cycles the "dumpers" (the one ending the relationship) and the "Dumpee" (the one being rejected) go through. Fisher and Alberti acknowledge not everyone is going to react the same, but no one escapes the pain. No matter how we are affected, though, we must remember guilt and rejection are tied to feelings of self-worth and self-love. Build up these two areas, and we will be less devastated by life's inevitable rejections. The end of each chapter has a "How Are You Doing?" section. A list of questions will help us think our way through our dilemmas and offer ideas with which we can rebuild our lives. I like this book because it forces us to do something besides sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. There are ways to work through relationships that end, and we have the power and the tools to do it. We don't have to feel helpless. I like this book because it acknowledges we are not alone with our feelings. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We can go on to live a normal, happy life. It gives us hope....more info
  • Next Steps and How to Take Them
    I listened to the audio version of this book; it's excellent so I recommend this book in either form: print or audio. It's clear that Bruce Fisher understands the issues we all confront when divorce happens. As a divorced woman, single mom, and now a family counselor, I found this book helpful and right-on-target. I highly recommend it.

    Barbara Sheldon, M.S.W.
    I also highly recommend: Moving Forward After Divorce: Practical Steps to * Healing Your Hurts * Finding Fresh Perspective * Managing Your New Life...more info
  • A Great Book for a Fresh Start
    The end of a relationship can be difficult. Whether you are the one who initiates the break-up or are on the receiving end of it, "Rebuilding," is a helpful tool to move you through the grieving process (if you buy the accompanying workbook) to work through the pain of the breakup.

    Alberti & Fisher provide a comprehensive outline in the form of building blocks, in short, concise chapters, which gives the reader something simple & concrete to hold onto without being bogged down in psychobabble. I recommend this book to my clients often when they feel hopeless about working through the ending of their own relationships and find what they get out of the book provides them opportunities for growth and hope....more info
  • The best book on divorce, from a great man we will all miss
    My wife and I have been leading divorce recovery workshops for the past five years. We trained with Bruce Fisher in Bolder CO. We use Bruce's book for our workshop because it the best, most helpful book for dealing with the tragedy and trauma of divorce. Whether you're in a support group, or reading a book on your own, THIS IS THE ONE TO GET! This is the one book that doesn't try to help you with being single, without first showing you how to deal with the emotional trauma that divorce brings. It will help you make sense out what is going on in your life! It will help you make it through this terrible time! It will help you get it together enough to make decisions that seen overwhelming! And it will help you make the best of what seems like a hopeless situation!...more info
  • Rebuilding (after divorce) - book review
    Good book to help you get grounded and understand the feelings you are going through, if this is your first time in this situation....more info
  • Very helpful, informative book
    This is one of the first books that I buy for friends that are going through a divorce.

    My chapter of Parents Without Partners used this book for several years as our guide for the topics for our divorce/recovery support group. It was invaluable to me as a newcomer to the group and then later as one of the facilitators of the support group.

    It is very insightful & will explain the phases (building blocks) everyone goes through with divorce and recovery.

    It also helps you with coping skills that you can apply to more areas of your life than just divorce/recovery. I've found that the similar phases & rebuilding occur when you go through a job layoff, a death, or any other traumatic loss.

    I highly recommend this book....more info

  • I liked it so much I have given away more than a dozen
    This is homework for anyone going thru a divorce.
    It is an easy read and there is a workbook if you so desire
    all n all ... cheaper than a shrink and possibly more helpful....more info
  • Best Advice for anyone going through heartbreak.
    When I was going through my divorce, I was devastated. My psychologist, Maria, recommended this book. It was so helpful to me, that every time I have a friend or colleague who goes through an emotionally wrenching breakup, I buy them a copy. This is what everyone needs to know to get back on track and get on with their lives....more info
  • self-help book
    Ordered for a friend who doesn't do computers. I know nothing of the book but she does. ...more info
  • CA - Rebuild post-144 lies & affairs
    This book was very helpful when I finally faced twenty years of lies and manipulations my ex-husband put me and our children through. I felt like I had been such a fool, and finally asked him to move out to stop the pain.
    I found out after he left, that extramarital affairs at the workplace were normal behavior for him. I had believed his lies and thought he was better than the rest, offering supportive friendship to women in a traditionally male-dominated industry. One workplace affair was even while our kids worked their summer jobs there! I had to clean up the emotional mess he left behind, and he moved right in with the woman he had his last affair with.
    REBUILDING confirmed for me that through the pain, my kids and I were actually healing. I was repeatedly advised to "be strong for the kids' - difficult to do while in shock and mourning yourself. But, in small steps, and as this book points out, it's not impossible. There was no closure or explanantion from my ex, but I found tremendous support for the kids and me in this book.
    My ex now lives a dream come true for someone who wanted his life to be "all about me from now on". My kids and I openly communicate, we've become even closer, and are moving on without his negative energy present. It takes a while, but it can be a different (better) world after the devastaion of betrayal by an unfaithful spouse. ...more info
  • TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!!!
    Anyone who dumps you clearly has no repect for you or their self. You must always communicate to see what the other person is thinking and feeling. When they don't communicate, they could possibly dump you. Pick up on the cues. The books says about the dumping language, but it is all pretty obvious. The person is being a coward!! If the person really loves you and wants to a least be your friend then the person will talk to you about what is right and wrong. You may have started a relationship with a serial dater/dumper, who is in denial about their problems, emotional issues and fears, and you didn't find out before hand.

    Don't control the person because that is exactly what the dumper is doing - controlling what happens in the relationship. Confront the person with their own thoughts and feelings by communicating. Love yourself, because that person clearly doesn't love their self. But, remember, still have some compassion for that person.

    Take care....more info

 

 
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