I Don't Want to Talk About It

 
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Product Description

A therapist himself, Terrence Real examines the dirty little secret of the American Male: chronic depression. As the author sees it, men who fall prey to depressive disorders are caught in a double bind. Since their feelings of helplessness are considered unmanly, they tend to hide them, which makes the descent into blackness even steeper. The solution? Real urges men (and women!) to cast aside their clich¨¦d notions of gender and to accept that feelings are neither masculine nor feminine but essentially human.

Often, men hide their depression from family and friends -- and themselves. Problems that we think of as typically male -- difficulty with intimacy, workaholism, alcoholism, abusive behavior, rage -- are really attempts to escape depression. This book offers a "pathway out of the darkness," revealing how men can unearth their pain, and heal themselves.

Customer Reviews:

  • Enlightening!
    Insightful, honest, straightforward, and wonderfully well written (I read it in 2/3 days and English is not my native language!), this book helped me immensely in the quest for understanding and making peace with myself. I recommend it highly to all, especially men, that are searching for a sane grounding on which to base their personal growth, their relationships, and their creativity....more info
  • An aid to understand complex human behaviors
    Dr. Real's approach to describing depression in men offers a broad perspective that permits coherent examination of what might otherwise appear to be unrelated male behaviors. The patterns he associates with covert depression and which he describes so lucidly will be familiar to many. Men, dare to look carefully at yourselves. Women, thoughtfully consider your partners. Sons, study your fathers, learn, and be alert for the telltale patterns in your own lives. The violence Terrence Real attributes to men who live with unidentified covert depression is not always physical. Emotional "violence" can be more pernicious because our society does not recognize it or address it as effectively as physical violence in the law and through the remedies available from our legal system. How many families have been destroyed emotionally and financially by separation and divorce, and how many children's lives have been forever altered negatively, not by intentional malice or truely irreconcilable differences between spouses, but by unrecognized and untreated depression?...more info
  • Talking about it
    Compared to the generalized pap on the internet and in quick-'n-easy self-help books, I Don't Want to Talk About It is a substantial, worthwhile contribution to our knowledge about depression. Terrance Real, whose wife is also a therapist, has spent two decades counseling men and their families. From his considerable experience, he gives you his thoughtful take on depression. He believes there is covert depression which men may hide through drink, work, womanizing, etc., and, usually sparked by a sudden problem, overt depression which is the best opening to deal with the underlying problems that started in childhood. Although most of the many case studies Real provides involve fairly traumatic childhood events, he repeatedly makes the point that trauma can be either active--which gets our attention--or passive, the passive can be mild or extreme neglect, and some kids will react strongly to what society might think of as trivial. As one example, consider the man whose father hugged him and said he loved him for the first time when he got his MBA--a BA just wasn't good enough. Says Real, "Passive trauma in boys is rarely extreme; it is however, pervasive." Becoming a man is not so much something that boys naturally grow into but typically means a loss of the relational: first, mother, then the self, and then others. Once the subtly insecure base has been created--the worries of worth, the feelings of emptiness--the next step is to invite boys to escape the doubts and pain by "grandiosity," the illusion of some kind of dominance--work, work, work, financial success, violence . . . But when the crutches are kicked away, splat, the men and their families wind up in Real's office.

    While Real does not provide a step-by-step recovery plan, he describes so many vivid cases that you see how it works, and how hard the clients have to work. First, they must give up their "addictions." Then they must re-assess and treat their relationship with themselves, using the mature parts of their personalities to "re-parent" the underdeveloped. And then re-establishing relations with others, often beginning with such concrete tasks as helping with the dishes or carrying a child's photo to look at in times of stress.

    One great strength of this book is that Real can write: His prose is sensitive, sophisticated, and most of all fluid. His case studies--although too many to remember--are grippingly realistic. Another strength is his balanced, mature treatment of gender roles in our society. I feared a "men's movement" approach but found one beyond that. Another strength is that Real speaks from a lot of experience and hard thinking. Although the book would have been more powerful at 280 rather than 380 pages, he conveys his views convincingly. Of course, the inevitable warning is: This is not main stream, comprehensive, orthodox text on depression. It is at once more limited and much better than that....more info

  • New Insights on Male Depression
    This is an excellent, relevant book validated by the author's account of his struggle with the very issues he writes about. I was aware of some problems having worked in psychiatry and having friends and family members suffering depression, but this book opens a door to information not widely available elsewhere. Everyone knows someone who could benefit greatly from a reading of this book which describes how male symptoms of depresssion have many forms and how this terrible legacy is handed down to the next generation of clueless victims....more info
  • Real Deal
    I spent tens of thousands of my insurance company's money on expensive "rehabilitation" sleepaway camp - one of the best in fact! All I needed was this book, and good counselors at home who understand Covert Male Depression.

    I was "high functioning" - just pursuing that which I "was trained" by society and by my parents equals being a "man" - money, success, cars, houses, etc - I wasn't trained to do that which I simply wanted to do.

    This book enlightened me to my "Real" malady - covert male depression. I know now I was "set up" and Real's book helped me look within to find the courage to be a Relational Hero.

    Man it hurts.......more info
  • Very useful if you dare to take the journey
    Really benefited from this book on Male depression. I'mreally picky about with psych/self help books and this book is very applicable to men, but only men that are really willing to "do the work." This book will not replace your clinical recovery, but it will assist your soulful one. A bit advanced. It's perfect for someone like me (who's already done a bunch of therapy and soul work in my life.

    Check it out... if you're brave enough....more info

  • a courageous book
    Feminist writers often ignore the price men pay in a patriarchal society, as if having "power" were reward enough for living as an emotionally injured human being. Mr. Real's courageous book points out exactly what that price is and how it affects men, women, and society. This book is an eye-opener for everyone, therapist or otherwise. It gives the Oedipus myth another well-deserved blow. It provides the reader with a powerful perspective on current news events, such as sadistic hazing, so poorly explained by facile remarks concerning "peer pressure". Moreover, this book will allow the reader to examine his own ideas and attitudes about our socially constructed roles. The book is not so technical as to be beyond the average interested reader, the examples are clear, and the message well thought out. Mr. Real has laid down the framework for a genuine men's liberation movement....more info
  • Not bad, but...
    ...about half way through this book I started to realize it's more a collection of stories intended to give this disorder a context for readers, rather than concise descriptions of what the disorder is and how to treat it. That said I'm sure many men recognize themselves in the stories and thus hopefully get some help or help themselves somehow. Worth reading......more info
  • Talking about it
    Compared to the generalized pap on the internet and in quick-'n-easy self-help books, I Don't Want to Talk About It is a substantial, worthwhile contribution to our knowledge about depression. Terrance Real, whose wife is also a therapist, has spent two decades counseling men and their families. From his considerable experience, he gives you his thoughtful take on depression. He believes there is covert depression which men may hide through drink, work, womanizing, etc., and, usually sparked by a sudden problem, overt depression which is the best opening to deal with the underlying problems that started in childhood. Although most of the many case studies Real provides involve fairly traumatic childhood events, he repeatedly makes the point that trauma can be either active--which gets our attention--or passive, the passive can be mild or extreme neglect, and some kids will react strongly to what society might think of as trivial. As one example, consider the man whose father hugged him and said he loved him for the first time when he got his MBA--a BA just wasn't good enough. Says Real, "Passive trauma in boys is rarely extreme; it is however, pervasive." Becoming a man is not so much something that boys naturally grow into but typically means a loss of the relational: first, mother, then the self, and then others. Once the subtly insecure base has been created--the worries of worth, the feelings of emptiness--the next step is to invite boys to escape the doubts and pain by "grandiosity," the illusion of some kind of dominance--work, work, work, financial success, violence . . . But when the crutches are kicked away, splat, the men and their families wind up in Real's office.

    While Real does not provide a step-by-step recovery plan, he describes so many vivid cases that you see how it works, and how hard the clients have to work. First, they must give up their "addictions." Then they must re-assess and treat their relationship with themselves, using the mature parts of their personalities to "re-parent" the underdeveloped. And then re-establishing relations with others, often beginning with such concrete tasks as helping with the dishes or carrying a child's photo to look at in times of stress.

    One great strength of this book is that Real can write: His prose is sensitive, sophisticated, and most of all fluid. His case studies--although too many to remember--are grippingly realistic. Another strength is his balanced, mature treatment of gender roles in our society. I feared a "men's movement" approach but found one beyond that. Another strength is that Real speaks from a lot of experience and hard thinking. Although the book would have been more powerful at 280 rather than 380 pages, he conveys his views convincingly. Of course, the inevitable warning is: This is not main stream, comprehensive, orthodox text on depression. It is at once more limited and much better than that....more info

  • Talking about it
    Compared to the generalized pap on the internet and in quick-'n-easy self-help books, I Don't Want to Talk About It is a substantial, worthwhile contribution to our knowledge about depression. Terrance Real, whose wife is also a therapist, has spent two decades counseling men and their families. From his considerable experience, he gives you his thoughtful take on depression. He believes there is covert depression which men may hide through drink, work, womanizing, etc., and, usually sparked by a sudden problem, overt depression which is the best opening to deal with the underlying problems that started in childhood. Although most of the many case studies Real provides involve fairly traumatic childhood events, he repeatedly makes the point that trauma can be either active--which gets our attention--or passive, the passive can be mild or extreme neglect, and some kids will react strongly to what society might think of as trivial. As one example, consider the man whose father hugged him and said he loved him for the first time when he got his MBA--a BA just wasn't good enough. Says Real, "Passive trauma in boys is rarely extreme; it is however, pervasive." Becoming a man is not so much something that boys naturally grow into but typically means a loss of the relational: first, mother, then the self, and then others. Once the subtly insecure base has been created--the worries of worth, the feelings of emptiness--the next step is to invite boys to escape the doubts and pain by "grandiosity," the illusion of some kind of dominance--work, work, work, financial success, violence . . . But when the crutches are kicked away, splat, the men and their families wind up in Real's office.

    While Real does not provide a step-by-step recovery plan, he describes so many vivid cases that you see how it works, and how hard the clients have to work. First, they must give up their "addictions." Then they must re-assess and treat their relationship with themselves, using the mature parts of their personalities to "re-parent" the underdeveloped. And then re-establishing relations with others, often beginning with such concrete tasks as helping with the dishes or carrying a child's photo to look at in times of stress.

    One great strength of this book is that Real can write: His prose is sensitive, sophisticated, and most of all fluid. His case studies--although too many to remember--are grippingly realistic. Another strength is his balanced, mature treatment of gender roles in our society. I feared a "men's movement" approach but found one beyond that. Another strength is that Real speaks from a lot of experience and hard thinking. Although the book would have been more powerful at 280 rather than 380 pages, he conveys his views convincingly. Of course, the inevitable warning is: This is not main stream, comprehensive, orthodox text on depression. It is at once more limited and much better than that....more info

  • Gay Men and Depression
    I found this book to be extremely useful in helping gay men with their depression. Real talks about how men who do not follow the traditional patriarchal model of how to be "male" are punished which contributes to depression. This applies even moreso to gay men who are punished for *not* being the type of men heterosexist and homophobes want us to be. Both heterosexism and homophobia stem directly from patriarchal attitudes....more info
  • Insightful and possibly life-saving
    The insights here are simple, straightforward and profound. It explains how modern society can sometimes put men into a no-win situation, resulting in a feeling of frustration, impotence, incompetence, and depression. The only socially acceptable way to express it is rage (even though rage is vilified, I can tell you that showing hurt, pain and weakness invites scorn, distain and disrespect, even from those who purport to love us).
    By explaining how we get into this trap, it helps us to understand it and thus gives us a chance to find a way out. I wish I could give a copy of this book to every man and woman in the world. I see so much of it played out every day all around us, and the pain both men and women feel because of it does so much damage. Read it before you have a crisis if you can, but if you are already in crisis, make the effort to read this book even if you can't read anything else. It might even save your life. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
    ...more info
  • An essential book.
    This is really a great book and tool for men and those who love them. Too many of us men suffer in silence because of the taboo associated with men discussing mental health issues. While the book does get a little clinical at times, it is a relatively easy book to read and has many great insights as to how to deal with covert and overt depression amongst men. While we may not want to talk about it, the author Terrence Real, does a great job in showing how our silence has an even more detrimental effect on our lives and families. He uses several cases from his own practice and also talks about his own struggle with his own family legacy of depression. It is a truly authentic book that I hope many mental health professionals and patients will read. ...more info
  • Real men.
    I've struggled with depression since childhood. I've read volume after volume on the subject. Most of it, however earnest, just blows smoke.

    This one's different. Real is the only therapist I've read who captures the anger behind depression--dammit, harm has been done to innocent people, and the pain they suffer is unrecognised, devalued or morally stigmatised becuse the sufferers happen to be male.

    The rage they feel against the perpetrator(s)never gets a focus. After all, it would be focussed on the people who cared for you as you grew. What does one do if the hand that beats you is the hand that feeds you? You do what you need to survive the moment. You stay fed. Only later do you fail to thrive.

    Terrence Real focusses his own rage on this injustice--and rage, indeed, he does. He suffered the abuse that leads to depression, and now helps men face it squarely.

    Like an ugly scab, healing ain't always pretty. If you never properly clean and dress a wound, grotesque scars disfigure you. Real tells the stories of men who have put the time, effort and care into healing. It ain't easy. But having done so, their scars heal clean, and a happier life begins.

    Other so-called self-help books (the "inner-child" movement springs to mind) seem to argue that learning to love your scars is the road to happiness. Poppycock.

    (I might also add that this is less a self-help book than a political and moral treatise. If sufferers find it helpful, that's a by-product.)

    Personally, I think Real lets women off the hook too easily in this book. Having endured the female-dominated "caring professions" to effect my own cure, I think Real ought to empahsise the complicity of women in the patriarchy (which he rightly labels as damaging to both sexes).

    Even quite enlightened women patronise men who try to be strong and scorn them when they allow themselves to be weak. In their effort to stamp out male aggression, they demean male strength--a strength which women who wish to heal might well wish they had.

    Real is the first scholar I've read to point out that the patriarchy actually harms men more than it harms women. It certainly proves fatal more often.

    He is the first therapist I know to make a case that men are MORE emotional than women; not the insensitive droogs of feminist caricature.

    Against a background of shallow, ineffectual, touchy-feely self-help gurus, Real stands out as a straight talker. To borrow a phrase from the patriarchy, he's results-oriented. And that ain't a bad thing.

    Real? An aptly named author....more info

  • "A wonderful look at a malady that touches us all"
    Terrence Real doesn't't write self-help books: he writes riveting memoirs about his experience as a therapist, as the son of a depressed father and as a man suffering from depression himself. Highly literate and engaging, I Don't Want to Talk About It was perhaps the first book to look at a well-known secret that men experience-and suffer through-depression in a manner distinctly different from women. Admit to falling prey to depression, and you are in essence, unmanly. Refuse to admit it and sink further into the clutches of depression, affecting your work and family. A wonderful look at a malady that touches us all in some fashion.
    ...more info
  • An uncomfortable but needed book
    This is the second book on male depression I have read (first being Archibald Hart's Understanding Male Depression and out of print). Not written from a Christian perspective but a good read and useful for all men at every age-in other words, it's never too late nor too early to read this book! He has an insightful discussion about the active and passive abuse that occurs to many men in the socialization process, a process that teaches us to hold emotions at a distance. What I take away from the book is that many men suffer from covert or overt depression. They have learned to cover up the pain of their depression with addictive behavior which may lead to abuse or irresponsibility toward others and by keeping relationships at a distance emotionally. When things collapse or their self-medication attempts fail, the depression breaks out.

    One of my favorite quotes: "The essential shift in question that marks a depressed man's transformation is the shift from: What shall I get? to: What can I offer? . . . Recovery demands a move into generativity." 321

    For more look up my blog at ruach.wordpress.com
    ...more info
  • I Don't want to talk about it:
    I would recommend this book to any male friend who is in need of life change. I have bought 6 copies so far for other people and am now in the process of ordering another for myself. As men we no longer need to live the legacy that was handed to us by our fathers or grandfathers. Recently divorced I knew I needed to understand what I was going through. I had the pleasure of doing a weekend workshop with Terrrence Real and feel extremely fortunate for having done so.This book is a must!...more info
  • A Step onto a Secret Path
    when I found this book, I had already been working on the problem which the book discusses. But, as the book reveals, it is not easy for most men to do this work, in comparison with most women, and in particular it is difficult to find relevant reading material. At one point, I began to draft a plan for a book on this subject myself, since I saw a need that was not being fulfilled. While this book is very good, I do believe that a need exists for more material on this important subject, and can only hope that qualified writers/agents/publishers are working on new material aimed at awakening awareness of this subject....more info
  • Excellent, over the top, poignant for our time.
    Although the examples of the men treated in the book are quite violent and beyond that which I have experienced in my family, I find this book to be a key to understanding myself (a woman), my partner, my family, my culture and the world. It unveils the truth that most of us ARE depressed in this war-torn world, and most excitingly, it points the road toward healing in no more hopeful way than showing that the most brutal of us can be understood and drawn out, the human retrieved. I am filled with HOPE for the future. This book is a ground-breaking one for our time, and a significant and powerful key. Thank-you Mr. Real....more info
  • Talking about it
    Compared to the generalized pap on the internet and in quick-'n-easy self-help books, I Don't Want to Talk About It is a substantial, worthwhile contribution to our knowledge about depression. Terrance Real, whose wife is also a therapist, has spent two decades counseling men and their families. From his considerable experience, he gives you his thoughtful take on depression. He believes there is covert depression which men may hide through drink, work, womanizing, etc., and, usually sparked by a sudden problem, overt depression which is the best opening to deal with the underlying problems that started in childhood. Although most of the many case studies Real provides involve fairly traumatic childhood events, he repeatedly makes the point that trauma can be either active--which gets our attention--or passive, the passive can be mild or extreme neglect, and some kids will react strongly to what society might think of as trivial. As one example, consider the man whose father hugged him and said he loved him for the first time when he got his MBA--a BA just wasn't good enough. Says Real, "Passive trauma in boys is rarely extreme; it is however, pervasive." Becoming a man is not so much something that boys naturally grow into but typically means a loss of the relational: first, mother, then the self, and then others. Once the subtly insecure base has been created--the worries of worth, the feelings of emptiness--the next step is to invite boys to escape the doubts and pain by "grandiosity," the illusion of some kind of dominance--work, work, work, financial success, violence . . . But when the crutches are kicked away, splat, the men and their families wind up in Real's office.

    While Real does not provide a step-by-step recovery plan, he describes so many vivid cases that you see how it works, and how hard the clients have to work. First, they must give up their "addictions." Then they must re-assess and treat their relationship with themselves, using the mature parts of their personalities to "re-parent" the underdeveloped. And then re-establishing relations with others, often beginning with such concrete tasks as helping with the dishes or carrying a child's photo to look at in times of stress.

    One great strength of this book is that Real can write: His prose is sensitive, sophisticated, and most of all fluid. His case studies--although too many to remember--are grippingly realistic. Another strength is his balanced, mature treatment of gender roles in our society. I feared a "men's movement" approach but found one beyond that. Another strength is that Real speaks from a lot of experience and hard thinking. Although the book would have been more powerful at 280 rather than 380 pages, he conveys his views convincingly. Of course, the inevitable warning is: This is not main stream, comprehensive, orthodox text on depression. It is at once more limited and much better than that....more info

  • Recommend Every Woman who had problems with Father's relationship read.
    I had an emotionally distant father who was also abusive. I had never completly forgiven him until I read this book. It made be cry to finally understand the negative attitudes that my father had and how the circle of abuse continued on from the past. If you want reasons for your father's distant behavior or from his abuse.. it it the best book I ever read. Highly recomended....more info
  • I found myself and my depression in this book.
    I recognize myself and my depression in his book. Terrence Real describes clients and their struggles in a way that I feel affirmed by their stories and his appraoch toward helping them with this very male and very underrecognized problem. He is able to bring to clarity the personal & societal pressures that depress men, keep men from seeking help and prevent men from healing. A wonderful book for a serious problem affecting many men like me....more info
  • Not that great
    The author spends most of the time excorcizing (sp) his personal demons. The rest he spends with severe case studies.

    Try something else.

    ...more info

  • Talking about it
    Compared to the generalized pap on the internet and in quick-'n-easy self-help books, I Don't Want to Talk About It is a substantial, worthwhile contribution to our knowledge about depression. Terrance Real, whose wife is also a therapist, has spent two decades counselling men and their families. From his considerable experience, he gives you his thoughtful take on depression. He believes there is covert depression which men may hide through drink, work, womenizing, etc., and, ususally sparked by a sudden problem, overt depression which is the best opening to deal with the underlying problems that started in childhood. Although most of the many case studies Real provides involve fairly traumatic childhood events, he repeatedly makes the point that trauma can be either active--which gets our attention--or passive, the passive can be mild or extreme neglect, and some kids will react strongly to what society might think of as trivial. As one example, consider the man whose father hugged him and said he loved him for the first time when he got his MBA--a BA just wasn't good enough. Says Real, "Passive trauma in boys is rarely extreme; it is however, pervasive." Becoming a man is not so much something that boys naturally grow into but typically means a loss of the relational: first, mother, then the self, and then others. Once the subtlely insecure base has been created--the worries of worth, the feelings of emptiness--the next step is to invite boys to escape the doubts and pain by "grandiosity," the illusion of some kind of dominance--work, financial success, violence . . . But when the crutches are kicked away, splat, the men and their families wind up in Real's office.

    While Real does not provide a step-by-step recovery plan, he describes so many vivid cases that you see how it works, and how hard the clients have to work. First, they must give up their "addictions." Then they must re-assess and treat their relationship with themselves, using the mature parts of their personalities to "re-parent" the underdeveloped. And then re-establishing relations with others, often beginning with such concrete tasks as helping with the dishes or carrying a child's photo to look at in times of stress.

    One great strength of this book is that Real can write: His prose is sensitive, sophisticated, and most of all fluid. His case studies--although too many to remember--are grippingly realistic. Another strength is his balanced, mature treatment of gender roles in our society. I feared a "men's movement" approach but found one beyond that. Another strength is that Real speaks from a lot of experience and hard thinking. Although the book would have been more powerful at 280 rather than 380 pages, he conveys his views convincingly. Of course, the inevitable warning is: This is not main stream, comprehensive, orthodox text on depression. It is at once more limited and much better than that....more info

  • I cried for my father, my son and for myself
    It has been said that a copy of Reviving Ophelia should be given out at the birth of every baby girl. In like,this book should be given to every woman who gives birth to a baby boy. It is written in a simple language and allows one to relate to the experiences of others who have suffered. It brings understanding and hope to a illness that is killing (spiritually and physically) a generation of men. I highly recommend it for men and women in recovery from addiction (alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling...you name it). Come to think about it, maybe the book should be handed to every prisoner who walks into a jail. Hopefully some will find it before then. I know my family is better for us having read the book....more info
  • this is me
    I've been glued to this book since I bought it. I'm up here to buy another copy cuz I lost the dog-eared copy I was reading. Everything the other reviewers say is true. He doesn't just talk about it from a safe distance, he lives it....more info
  • I Don't Want to Talk about It: Over Coming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression
    Should be required reading for every male because it would help them to much greater happiness. If we all realized how male socialization helps mold ALL males, willingly AND unwillingly become soldiers treating ALL of their interactions as battles and ALL people as enemies or potential enemies who must be controlled or defeated....more info
  • This book can help you
    If you are in a relationship with a depressed person, this book can help save your sanity. Depression is very insideous and destructive. This book can help you avoid some of the pitfalls and understand what drives your depressed loved one. My therapist recommended it and it truly helped me see the illness for what it is....more info
  • I Don't Want to Talk About It
    Terrence Real's book presents an excellent analysis of how our culture leads men to handle (or more accurately not handle) depression. His distinctions about the way men more frequently exhibit their depression in a covert way is right on. His book makes it easy to understand why men so often resort to addictive defenses to deflect rather than face their depression.

    Any man who has been depressed or addicted, or anyone living with a man who has been depressed or addicted, will get a lot of valuable insight from this book.

    St. George Lee, Author of Light in the Darkness; A Guide to Recovery......more info

  • Probably the wisest dollars I have ever spent.
    I am indebted to the author of this book. I took the bold leap of going to a therapist after years of exaggerated irritability and lack of enthusiasm with my career. I have been glued to the book ever since it was recommended. The author uses very clear examples of ways that these negative feelings can originate and fester over time. There are sociological reasons why depression in men is often not acknowledged...Real explains this in a common-sensical way. If you are male and have the remotest sense that you are carrying negative feelings from your past, do yourself a lifelong favor and read this book!...more info
  • Disppointed
    This is a difficult read, its mostly composites and difficult to glean any real clinical information. Admittedly i haven't gotten though the entire book yet. Unmasking Male Depression is much better for clinical information, if you can stomach being preached at. ...more info
  • I Get It Now!
    I think everyone should read this book! I liked it the most for it's straightforward, no self-pity, no talk-show-tears approach. Terrence reveals the hidden vulnerablities of men with dignity and self respect. He taught me(a woman)a lot about how men are forced to live in this society, and how they are denied their humaness in ways we women could never fully understand.

    But he never stripped his subjects of their masculinity. Instead he gave it back to them by showing us the whole man in every story. I respect that, and I respect the men in his book for their strength in the midst of their own individual hells.

    I found this book to be hopeful and strangely uplifting. No man(or woman)should be afraid to read it!...more info

  • Outstanding
    While this book is dense with valuable information - I like to call it Psyc. 601, and thus presumably not your first read in the field of psychotherapy - it resonates so clearly that anyone with a desire to grow should benefit greatly from it. Indeed, while I am no expert, this book is the closest thing to the Holy Grail of psychology that I have read to-date because it provides a pretty unified understanding of the American male. I've bought five copies for friends. Thanks Terrance....more info
  • My review
    This book is an awesome book. It's got a lot of interesting cases in it as well as the scientific reasonings. I'm not a big reader, but this book really got me hooked....more info
  • More like a autobiography than a self help book
    I honestly don't understand the many rave reviews! The title is misleading in that it does NOT help you to overcome depression. I do not recall any content that guides the reader through this disorder.

    By the way, this is my first review and I'm not even the target male audience. However, my opinion mirrors that of my fiance for whom this book was intended. Usually we end up liking the library book so much we end up buying. Not the case for this book!

    We both feel that this is more of an autobiography of his work with depressed patients. As another reviewer pointed out, it is basically a collection of stories. Even if the reader has the Exact childhood history/trauma and adult frustrations as one of his patients, I don't see any possible way for him to be helped with this book.

    Most of the stories vaguely allude to the therapy sessions with the doctor but he never told us how he managed to help each of them. Organization wise, it's more of a novel and is a disappointment for someone who is looking for clear distinct chapters/categories.

    One star because there are a few things we can take away from this book. For instance, the doctor made some social observations about depression which helps the reader understand how some male depression came about. Some of the stories might help parents to become more sensitive towards their children so that they won't grow up with self-esteem or any other issues. ...more info
  • Even females can have "male depression"
    This book was very insightful and honest and helps you to see your situation from outside all the emotions. There aren't always answers but it helps to at least understand the source of some actions and feelings....more info
  • Brace Yourself
    I am on my second reading of this book. My first reading profoundly moved and disturbed me. It's like having a veil lifted and seeing with a little bit more clarity some of those things about myself I've never been able to quite understand. If you've ever had those moments when you catch yourself wondering, "Why am I not feeling (emotionally) anything at this moment?" or "Why did I get that angry?" you might want to brace yourself for a very insightful and upsetting read. I went into this trying to do some research on what was going on with my son, only to learn a few things about what was going on with me, and also my father....more info
  • Didn't "Connect" - Something Missing
    My therapist mentioned that I may want to read this book as my husband seems to be suffering from male depression, in an effort to help me understand him better.

    As I read it, I just didn't feel like anything "clicked" when it came to my husband and his behaviors. A snippet here, a snippet there ... but in general, the book didn't help me understand him any better.

    For instance, when the author discussed different types of father-ing styles, none of the "types" seemed to fit my husband's father. Maybe a little bit of one or two of the styles, but not enough to make me feel that the combination of these "bits" gave any helpful insight or true understanding of his father ... or my husband for that matter. The same held true of the author's thoughts on mothering styles. (which seemed somewhat chauvanist, bordering on misogynistic at times,)

    Perhaps, as a woman, I couldn't "see" the things that men would see in this book.

    When I spoke to my therapist later about it, he conceded that he had received similar comments from other patients (including men) regarding this book and said that "The Pain Behind the Mask", (another book on male depression) seemed more applicable and helpful.

    In general, it made SOME good points, but something important was missing.

    I don't reccommend it personally, but that is only personal experience and doesn't mean it wouldn't help someone else....more info

  • Great Book
    This is a great book. I have read alot of books on depression, and this is one of the best.It is written in a laymans style so that people suffering from this disease wont be bogged down with technical terms....more info
  • Guys in a whole new light...
    I can't put it down. It's an infusion of knowledge distilled from hard experience and its overcoming. I am a mother of two teenage sons who display very little emotion, never talk about it, and, not surprisingly, neither does their supposedly sensitive (but long-term depressed) dad. I knew a lot about my past abuse-and-depression issues and have overcome most of them [(I think? ;-) ] but didn't understand my husband's before this because they looked and seemed so different, so "benign" and less impactful from my formerly misguided view. Thank you Mr. Real, yes you are aptly named....more info
  • Male Depression: Where is Starts and how it should be ended.
    I love this book because it gets right to the heart of how Men and Woman really were raised to interact with one and other. Real opened my eyes to a whole new relm of thinking why my husband acts the way he acts. I know longer can ask, "Please, Stop acting just like your father.". It doesn't have the same meaning. My husband is still in denial of why he is depressed, but when I read this book it gave me much greater understanding of actually how deep it goes. My husband has withdrawn from the family. Actually, moved out!! Wondering for this happiness that he claimes has to be out there. I really think that I would have left him by now, but thanks to God and this book and Real's other book, "How can I get through to you." I have a much more patient understanding for my husbands struggles. I always knew that his families influence would cause many struggles in our marriage, but I never thought they would ever cut so deep. Reading this book as opened my eye's to al whole new world of how a real relationship can be and should be, with or without depression. I also know now that my husband, just like many of the men that Real has treated, can also walk through this vast valley if he wants to. Terrance Real, keep up the great WORKS!!!!...more info
  • Overcoming? Not Quite
    This was a very well written book, and has plenty to sympathize with. The portions about forced male gender roles contributing to ongoing inner turmoil isn't bad, though i'm not entirely convinced that's a major contributing factor to male depression.

    The big problem here is: THIS IS NOT A SELF HELP BOOK. The title is "overcoming" male depression, but the author does not lay out a game plan. What he tells you, you've already been told: Go find a shrink. Great. So much for saving thousands of dollars on years of therapy on a do-it-yourself approach.
    ...more info
  • Terrence Real's Book: Revolutionary and Accurate!!
    I have read this book more times than I can count. Terrence Real strikes a chord and reveals a truth about depression in men and the societal norms (sustained by both men and women) which keep men isolated and locked in a vicious cycle of "covert" depression. Real's ideas may one day form the essential core from which all study and understanding of the changing roles of men and boys in the 20th -- 21st century are derived. He is an author and therapist who is way ahead of the curve in his chosen profession....more info
  • Terrence keeps it Real
    I have spent my entire life with feelings of frustration, depression and low self-esteem. I have spent a considerable amount of time reading self help books, because I have a mistrust of health professionals and a hatred of psychotropic medication. I have always resisted therapy by diverting attention away from my problems with humour, or with anger, or by never returning.

    Over the past year my self study has intensified as I search for results in my personal war against depression. I have grown a lot from the mental case I was a few years ago, but this book has done more to awaken me than anything else I have read, with the possible exception of "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

    The main problem is that males who are depressed are marginalized in self-help literature. Women seem to be the target audience, and not to be sexist, but I was not getting the whole picture.

    Terrance Real tells it straight, backs up his arguments, speaks about his own battle with depression, and offers hope for change. I hope everyone who reads these endorsements goes and buys/borrows this book for themselves and/or a loved one. You may not want to hear what he has to say, but you NEED to hear it.

    Thanks Terrence, I am now going to try finding a counsellor I can trust. Do you make housecalls?...more info
  • Psychotherapist review
    I was really touched by the stories in this book. It spoke to me and to others that I have given it to. I cried at some of the stories. I am a psychotherapist in private practice and work with men much of the time. I always recommend it....more info
  • For Men and their loved ones
    I began seeing a psychiatrist in an attempt to save a marriage, although I felt nothing wrong my wife did. After having visited my counselor, I began to feel all alone in my depression - like I was the only one who felt this way. This book helped me to see not only was I not alone, but what I could do to help myself. I would recommend this to anyone - whether a man or his loved ones to help understand what is going on inside. My marriage did not itself work out, but I did share this book with her and if nothing else she understands what I was feeling......more info
  • Excellent book
    An excellent book for men and women, whether depressed or not. This book really digs into modern masculinity and social relationships. Not a simple 'pop psych' or Dr Phil yelling at you to get better book.

    But other than that, I REALLY don't want to talk about it....more info
  • "I Don'td Want to Talk About It" T. Real
    If you have any signs of depression, substance abuse, or other addictions please check this book out. Also, if you had a troubled childhood plus any of the above, this book will help explain why you suffer today. Please don't wait because these issues, if not addressed, will only get worse as you get older. Although this book was written for men, many of the issues that it covers apply to women too. ...more info
  • Clear, concise description of insidious form of depression
    While Terrence Real's intention may have been to describe the conditions of and reactions to depression in males, his description of "covert depression" applies to many of us who were trained to ignore our feelings in favor of "making it" in the world. His descriptions of the whys and wherefores of grandiose behavior as a response to depression hit home. A wonderful, clarifying, groundbreaking look at depression and its many manifestations and the impact it has on our lives; and yet another clear insistence that connection to others is the path to finding the joy and happiness that life has to offer....more info
  • terrific book "I dont want to talk about it"
    Literate to a high degree, insightful, helpful, and even revelatory, Terry Real's book, "I Don't Want to Talk About It" explores, with heoric assiduousness, the causes, manifestations, ramifications, implications, and possible releases from the contemporary problems included by the term "depression". One of the books triumphs is its accessibility, another its fertiltiy. I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression...more info
  • An important guide to overcoming male depression.
    I first read I Don't Want to Talk About It when it debuted in the late 90s and my feelings were mixed. Relating to it was difficult, but I was sliding from covert to overt depression with little understanding or help about what exactly I was going through. Seven or so years later, overwhelmed with grief and depression at the sudden and unforseen death of my wife of 13 years, a friend gave me the book as a helpful present. I was hesitant to reread it, but I am glad I finally cracked it open. Being a little older and wiser, I have a better understanding of the points that Real is making and can see certain problems I have more clearly. With the darkness past, I can recommend this book for people who wonder why mean compulsively do what they do and how, with effort, it can be changed for the better. Recommended....more info
  • Great book for understanding the man in your life
    This book is very helpful in understanding depression in men. My husband and I have two copies and I have sent copies to others who are suffering from depression.

    Terrence Real's other book "How do I Get Through to You" is excellent also....more info
  • Just because it makes you weepy...
    I picked up this book at the library for the title. I was interested in depression and if someone was willing to narrow it to being male, all the better. This book does not do it.

    The author harvests his rolodex. We read anecdote after anecdote about big men with said childhoods. One had been beaten by his father. Another had been orphaned and had to go live with a cruel aunt. After about twenty pages of beatings and abuse, I was pretty weepy. The author's style seems to be getting these men to open up in therapy with the wife and family, spreading around deep personal pain, and getting everybody to start having some good cries.

    But just because it makes you cry doesn't mean it's good for you. This book focuses mainly on psychotherapy, but there are many contributors for depression. For example, if you're feeling beaten down at work, psychotherapy with the wife and kids will probably make you feel worse. Readers should also be aware this book goes down the same murky route Robert Bly walked in his book "Iron John", talking about wounded heros and other bits of male mythology.

    I would suggest most male suffering from mild depression don't need a book like this. For practical help with depression, I can recommend "Dealing with Depression Naturally" by Syd Baumel. His list of options is truly exhaustive. You can decide for yourself which route you want to go down....more info

  • great source of information
    If you are a male and suffering from depression or living with a male that is suffering from depression, this is an excellent book. The author's use of quotes, lyrics, poetry, case studies, and personal experience weaves together into a very informative, readable, and engaging book that tackles a very difficult subject. I feel that Terrence Real has his finger on the pulse of the topic of male depression and on a personal and professional basis, this book has been a tremendous help. As a counselor, I feel this book should be required reading....more info
  • not the only book, but a good one to start with
    real's book hits home at the tragic legacy of male depression. despite case study after case study which at times makes one wonder whether one is perhaps more depressed than one really is, this book is an excellent first dip into understanding that men are not weak or alone in feeling depression.

    i say first dip because it provides no answers but rather will lead you (as it did me) on the terribly difficult, yet very fulfilling, journey of self discovery that is necessary to fully heal from any form of depression (covert or otherwise). with further reading, personal growth and self evaluation, you will look back and give the book high marks, but only because it launched you on a further path of growth and discovery.

    read this, then begin the really hard work of personal growth....more info

  • Everyone who reads this will find some insight
    This book offers an amazing amount of valuable information in a clear, concise, approachable format. Terrence Real covers such topics as, why men don't know that they're depressed, how depression is often rooted in childhood experiences, how the myth of masculinity plays a role in the development of depression, how men use various addictions (chemical and non-chemical) to keep their depression at bay, how boys' socialization produces disconnection, and how to repair depression by learning to reparent the self, face vulnerabilities, confront the past, release trauma and shame, rewrite ones story, and use imaginative work to form a relationship with the immature parts of the self, while strengthening the "functional adult" parts of the self. Real uses references to popular movies and books, as well as clinical and personal examples, to add depth and clarity. He seems to approach the topic with a wide-angle lens that suggests a thoroughness to his research on the topic. I highly recommend this book....more info
  • Real deal
    I've read this book over and over. It's insightful and brave. Some of the less enthusiastic reviewers are missing the point. You can be happy indeed if the traumas described here don't explain your or your loved ones' depression. There are plenty of people who WILL be helped by this book, even if you aren't....more info

 

 
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