The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It

 
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Product Description

An unprecedented look at the real reasons for male marital infidelity, and what might prevent it

Few events cause as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity. It can shatter trust and breed insecurity and resentment from which some relationships never recover. People who think it won't happen to them are hit that much harder when it does. Why are men unfaithful? Can infidelity be prevented? Can a wife single-handedly ensure that her husband won't stray? What do men say they're getting from their mistresses that they're missing at home? Do a man's friends have anything to do with his willingness to cheat?

While there are books that have explored the feelings and experiences of wives whose husbands have been unfaithful, the question of why men cheat and whether it is because of sexual dissatisfaction, emotional dissatisfaction, or something else has remained largely unexamined. At last, Lessons from Cheating Husbands presents many fascinating and provocative answers. In this book, experienced family counselor Gary Neuman shares the revealing and surprising findings of a cutting-edge research study in which he interviewed and studied close to 100 men from 48 states who have physically cheated on their wives. In this book, Neuman shares many shocking discoveries, including the prominent role of emotional dissatisfaction in motivating husbands who stray and how small a role sexual dissatisfaction plays.

Drawing on dramatic case stories of the author's own work with clients, Lessons from Cheating Husbands includes proactive strategies and action steps for married women that will help them prevent infidelity, and create a faithful and rewarding marriage.

Book Description

Few events cause as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity. It can shatter trust and breed insecurity and resentment from which some relationships never recover. People who think it won't happen to them are hit that much harder when it does. Why are men unfaithful? Can infidelity be prevented? Can a wife single-handedly ensure that her husband won't stray? What do men say they're getting from their mistresses that they're missing at home? Do a man's friends have anything to do with his willingness to cheat?

While there are books that have explored the feelings and experiences of wives whose husbands have been unfaithful, the question of why men cheat and whether it is because of sexual dissatisfaction, emotional dissatisfaction, or something else has remained largely unexamined. At last, The Truth About Cheating presents many fascinating and provocative answers. In this book, experienced family counselor Gary Neuman shares the revealing and surprising findings of a cutting-edge research study in which he interviewed and studied close to 100 men from 48 states who have physically cheated on their wives. In this book, Neuman shares many shocking discoveries, including the prominent role of emotional dissatisfaction in motivating husbands who stray and how small a role sexual dissatisfaction plays.

Drawing on dramatic case stories of the author's own work with clients, The Truth About Cheating includes proactive strategies and action steps for married women that will help them prevent infidelity, and create a faithful and rewarding marriage.


Amazon Exclusive: A Letter to Readers from the Author
M. Gary Neuman is a Florida psychotherapist, rabbi, creator of the internationally recognized Sandcastles Programs for children of divorce, and author of Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, and Emotional Infidelity, How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and Other Secrets to a Great Marriage. His work has received national media coverage including multiple appearances on Oprah, the Today Show, the View, and NPR, as well as appearances on Dateline, NBC Nightly News, CBS Weekend News, and Good Morning America. He has been written about in numerous publications including People, Time, Cosmo, Parents, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Miami Herald and elsewhere. Gary lives with his wife and five children in Miami Beach, Florida.



Dear Reader,

I am very excited to share this book with you. The Truth about Cheating can be read by everyone, including people who may not be really concerned about their own personal situations but who want the knowledge and stories that the study provides. After more than 20 years as a marriage counselor, I've seen firsthand the overwhelming pain that cheating causes spouses and their families. When I searched for answers about why men cheat and found none, I decided that I would do a study to investigate the issue. For three years I worked on my research to find the truth about cheating and the results were astounding.

This book is about one thing and one thing only¡ªempowering women. Men and women always want to know what the other sex is thinking. After reading this book you'll know the answers and this knowledge will not just reduce the odds of your husband cheating but more importantly will help you create a marriage that is mutually beneficial. Your husband will start listening and giving to you more than ever once you have a better understanding of him and his emotional needs.

It's astounding how much women are made to feel that they must be everything to and do everything for their men or else they'll stray. False. Only 12% of the cheating men in my study said the other woman was better looking than their wives. And only 8% said that sexual dissatisfaction was the primary issue at home when he cheated. Throw out your assumptions and everything you've been told and search with me for the truth in this book. In The Truth about Cheating, we¡¯ll discuss the many things you can do to make your life and marriage better than ever.

You'll also hear the fascinating stories that women shared with me as part of my research and I hope the work they did to better their lives and marriages will inspire you as it did me. You will discover that although you are not to blame, and never responsible for your husbands' cheating, and not responsible for fixing the problem, there are clear, concise methods to create a connection in your marriage that will prevent tragedy from happening and will give you renewed confidence in your relationship.

I hope my research and work will begin a discussion of what all of us can do to have more meaningful marriages. Please let me know your thoughts and insights and also what you'd like to know from women who cheated¡ªthat's the next part of my research and this national conversation. Women today have choices and options and this book is meant to give more information and to respectfully begin the discussion about what people say about their cheating and what all of us can do to prevent it.

Thank you for honoring me with your interest in my work.


6 Warning Signs of Marital Infidelity

1. He spends more time away from home.
Most cheating men surveyed said that more time spent away from home was a sign that they were close to or already involved in infidelity. Although you can¡¯t keep tabs on your husband¡¯s whereabouts during the workday, it still seems that cheating men find extra time to slip away from home, not just during work hours.

2. You have sex infrequently.
Only 43 percent of men surveyed said that frequency of sex with their wives decreased once the infidelity began. Why such a small number? Because in many struggling marriages at high risk for infidelity, couples only have sex about once every couple of months.

3. He avoids contact with you.
The contact you have with your husband, even if it is about the ordinary business of life, helps you develop a general awareness of each other. His avoidance of your calls or desire not to spend time with you points to a desire to disconnect, whether or not he is conscious of it.

4. He criticizes you more.
Often, cheating men will criticize their wives seemingly out of the blue. If you notice your husband criticizing you for things he used to find amusing, keep your eyes open for other signs.

5. He starts more fights with you.
The criticism mentioned above often leads to more fights. If your marriage becomes increasingly contentious, you may be at risk for infidelity.

6. He mentions another woman, a female "friend," in casual conversation.
Most cheating occurs with friends, not one-night stands just for sex. When your husband begins to talk about a woman at the office he really admires, he may be telling you about his potential mistress straight to your face.


Customer Reviews:

  • WHY MEN CHEAT IS VERY SIMPLE: YOU DON'T NEED A BOOK TO TELL YOU THIS
    This book is about a bunch of excuses husbands give for betraying their wives. From She didn't pay enough attention to "ME", to not enough sex. Yes, I did read this book from beginning to end. Since this book also confirms that husbands lie about cheating, then of course they're going to lie about the reasons they cheat. And the reasons these husbands give in this book works! Wives actually believe these excuses and tend to blame themselves. First off, a husband will not cheat on his wife if he loves and respects her. PERIOD! Men will never admit the real reason why they cheat. Why husbands cheat is very simple. You don't have to buy any book to tell you this. You don't have to see a shrink or talk to your mother or girlfriends as to "why". You don't have to go on the Dr. Phil show, or Oprah show or any other show. Husbands cheat because they can. Because society (especially the wives) don't hold them accountable. As long as a husband doesn't face hard consequences he will keep on cheating. The last statistics I heard of (years ago) said that 9 out of 10 wives forgive a cheating husband (men know this). Yet, 9 out of 10 husbands DO NOT forgive a cheating wife. Why? Because men see forgiving a cheating wife as weak on the husbands part. So they see their wives as weak for forgiving them. If there's one think I know about men is that men do not respect weakness. Husbands do not respect forgiving wives. Yes, they want you to forgive them because they want their cake and eat it too. So, to all you women who forgive your husbands for cheating and you stay in the marriage, you are staying with a man that doesn't respect you. HE WILL NOT TELL YOU THIS! That is one of those deep dark secrets that men don't want women to know. If you don't believe me, then ask your best male friend that question. Ask a male friend that you know who will tell you the truth. Now, here's another secret about women. Women do not respect their husbands if they cheat on them. Men, you will never get that respect back. She will never look at you in the same way. If your wife stays in the marriage then she does it for the money, children, fear, scared of the unknown or because she has low-self-esteem. Some say that women stay with an unfaithful husband because she doesn't think she deserves anyone better. I have a different view on that. Maybe women stay because they know that there isn't much better out there then what they have. Food for thought! So now you have 2 people who don't respect each other in a relationship. Heaven help them if they have children. Women, if you want men to stop cheating we have to band together. Never, ever stay with a cheating husband. If you do then you condemn your daughters, your grand daughters and every female born after to the same misery you are going through. But then misery does love company!

    Want to know how to tell if a husband will cheat on you before you marry him? Did your husband try to jump in your pants on the first date? A man who will jump in bed with you on the first date is not marriage material. This is also a guarantee that he will cheat. A man that will have sex with a woman he doesn't know will cheat. PERIOD

    I believe Mr. Neuman's research, but I don't believe that the men were being totally honest with him. They were probably looking around for the camera. After you listen to the reasons they gave for betraying their wives you should of asked them if they really cheated because they knew they could because of their arrogant and self-entitlement attitude. I can't wait for your next book on why wives cheat. My opinion is totally different then why husbands cheat.

    P.S. I believe 90% of husband will cheat sometime in their marriage. A male friend of mine thinks it's around 70%. Again, ask your best male friend (non romantic) this question. Ask him to be honest with you.
    ...more info
  • This book changed my marriage, for the better.
    I am a man, and I read this book simply because I figured I could benefit from it the same as women do. The wisdom is true, and very practical. Following the principles in this book has enriched my marriage in a way that few other books have. Gottman's books have also been very helpful for us. Probably because both authors rely on rigorous research, and not speculation....more info
  • wasted reading for strong women
    Written by a man and a rabbi. Need I say more. this books seems to cater to the old change yourself, give up who you are to be loved by your man. Men cheat because that what they want to do. Period. Any woman who stays with a man who cheats, in these days of aids and other dangerous veneral diseases, is crazy. Women need to remember the saying why do I have to give up being me to be loved by you. You don't. Love yourself first...more info
  • excellent book
    Personally i think this book offers great advice for all married women whether or not they think their husbands will cheat on them. Neuman focuses on giving women suggestions on ways to prevent their husbands from being unfaithful. This book is well written and i believe that it can really be beneficial to strengthen ones marriage. ...more info
  • Super advice--no matter where you are in a relationship
    Marriage counselor Gary Neuman adds this fascinating book to those he has written on helping kids cope with divorce, and also one on emotional infidelity and finding the spirituality in tie of struggle and happiness.

    This book on cheating is based on survey results as well as Neuman's professional experiences. My book has many tabs marking significant pages I want to refer to when talking with friends about this.

    The irony is that I am writing this review on our 41st wedding anniversary--and even I learned several things about MEN. Written for women to better understand what makes men tick-and what makes them cheat, Neuman lays it all out.

    Actually the author tells women that men are complicated beings even thought women don't think they deal with emotions very well. In fact the reason men cheat are:

    - 92% of men living in the U.S. who cheated said it was not primarily about sex.
    - 48% of men said EMOTIONAL DISSATISFACTION was the real reason they cheated.

    To eliminate a man's feeling of emotional disconnection, his wife has to take on an attitude of appreciation and kind gestures.

    The male psyche is programmed to win, and if he feels like he "cannot win at home no matter what he does" in his marriage, he will find someone else who makes him feel like a winner. A man's world is about simplicity. The idea of lying about having an affair was interesting, and many men lie because they figure it is the easiest of the options they face-like telling the truth. Neuman stated that for every lie that is avoided (after the wife asks...), there is a better chance of repairing the marriage.

    The book is done in two parts: 1) Why and how men cheat, and 2) How to improve your marriage. The appendix is about value of therapy and how to heal after an affair.

    I liked that each chapter contains some case studies, tips and things to do, and he backs up everything with results of the survey.

    This book isn't just for women who feel their husband many already be cheating, but as a prevention manual.

    Armchair Interviews says: Very interesting!...more info
  • Needed Dialog About The Causes of Infidelity
    It's a real shame that a lot of women will not get the information they should have to make up their own minds about what to take from this book (and what to leave behind) because they will read posts from people who slam the book just because it's not to their liking or doesn't comport to their morals.

    The old harpys and moralists who condemn this book for being an excuse for men to feel entitled to certain things in a marriage need to realize that one of the problems in relationships these days is a lack of communication and connection. Whether it's our culture's increasingly secularist slant or the result of so many divorces or something else, people under 40 don't regard the vows of marriage as all that sacred any more. Good, bad, right or wrong, it is a fact. And if you're in a marriage or other serious, monogamous relationship these days, and care to have it continue, wouldn't it behoove you to have as many tools as possible to achieve that goal? This book is valuable, if for nothing else, to that end....more info
  • All this book does is give men the ok to have an affair
    You have done nothing to "empower women in this book" but you have set the premise for men to now cheat with an excuse. When you are married it's for better or worse. Sex does not mean love and it never will. Couples have to stay connected in other ways as well. What about in today's environment when both parties work, the wife comes home, takes the children to soccer, baseball, hockey, or basketball practices, attends games, cooks, cleans, works full time in a stressful world, as we all do and you want to say that we need to comfort the man?! Insanity. When was the last time that a cheating man approached his wife and said, I love you honey, you are terrific for all that you do? I can tell you what my response would be, wonderful warm feelings and I in turn would do the same thing back. You have done nothing to empower women except give the men an excuse. Cheating is cheating...bottom line. It's disrepectful and degrading to women and all because a man feels inferior and does not get his mommy's attention everyday. Grow up!!! Life is what it is and men need to learn to deal. Good grief...if they had to give birth to children, our planet would not exist. They cannot handle the truth or the facts...they live in a fantasy that things are always perfect. Get a life....more info
  • Great Advice!
    When people are asked why men cheat, most automatically think it is sexual dissatisfaction and never really think there may be other issues. M.Gary Neuman went to the source and approached men who previously cheated on their wives and interviewed them. I really believe that he offers wives numerous beneficial tips that not only can help prevent their husbands from cheating but even make their marriage stronger. Neuman is not telling wives to blame themselves but rather to take action and make an effort to strengthen their marriages through appreciation and support. The reality is that our lives are hectic and often we have so many responsibilities we forget to work on what is of the utmost importance, our marriages and family life. This book was well written and offers great advice. ...more info
  • saving your marriage
    A comprehensive reading of this book just might save your marriage, especially if you are a female,married or planning to marry. It might also be helpful for any male considering marriage or presently married. If I had read this it could have saved my own marriage which failed due to infidelity. You cannot undo what has been done, not ever....more info
  • Men's Pain
    As a man I found that the author was able to describe the ways that men feel about troubled relationships. It put into words many feelings that I and other males experience. I recommend that men read this book so that they might better articulate their distress. One of the reasons men act out their feelings rather than verbalize them is a poverty of language. This book is very articulate and puts the feelings men experience into easily understandable language. My hope is that men will begin to verbalize these feelings and that a dialog between partners can happen before an affair is started....more info
  • Communication is the Key...
    I downloaded this book to my Sony eReader at no cost. It does seem to be a bit one sided even though he tries to say that it isn't. It's unfortunate that men or women need a book to tell them what to do to prevent a spouse from cheating. I have never been married. I know it's a lot of work and haven't found anyone willing to put in the effort. Once you make a commitment/vow to another person, to be with them only, there is no excuse for going outside of the relationship unless one of you is being harmed; physically, mentally, etc. You have to communicate with each other. This is the only way you are going to be able to attain/maintain a healthy loving relationship. The material things only serve as a bandaid. Talk to each other....more info
  • Nice work... although I believe the truth may be even further to the right...
    Excellent text. Easy to read. The conclusions are intuitive to most men who will readily recognize the truth in Neuman's work. With that said, there exist perhaps even more pressing, albeit unalterable, reasons men cheat.. with the idea of being drawn to something "new" and "different" rising to the forefront of my mind. So, I think the author does a great job of addressing a "catalyst" for cheating; one that is perhaps amenable to prevention or corrective action, but misses some other basic ideas that are perhaps less palatable and relatively immutable. Interestingly, I would not expect men (even in a professional/private/anonymous environment) to admit that they might cheat simply because they are looking for something a bit more thrilling than their life-time spouse, long term girlfriend, etc. For example, assuming that many of these men cheated due to the emotional gratification they experienced interacting with another woman.. one might ask, why did these men even start a relationship with this woman in the first place? How many of these men were emotionally rewarded by women who might be wholly unattractive and then proceeded down the infidelity path with these same ladies? Likely, not many. While the partners of the cheating men referenced in Neuman's book may not have been exceptionally more attractive than the man's souse, were many entirely LESS attractive? Beyond the ego-stroking affection that a "new" woman might offer.. let's not forget that it is unlikely that a man unknowingly bumped into a relatively attractive woman who THEN bolstered his self esteem... subtle as it may be, the physical attraction likely played a role in initial selection.. Moreover, perhaps the great irony is that this same woman who is appealing will likely fall into the "less appealing" category with passage of time and commitment to a long-term relationship (say, if the man leaves his current spouse and remarries this other woman) - and on and on and on... point being, let's lay ALL the cards on the table... Again, with all that said, this is a great book! Nice work!...more info
  • wasted reading for strong women
    Written by a man and a rabbi. Need I say more. this books seems to cater to the old change yourself, give up who you are to be loved by your man. Men cheat because that what they want to do. Period. Any woman who stays with a man who cheats, in these days of aids and other dangerous veneral diseases, is crazy. Women need to remember the saying why do I have to give up being me to be loved by you. You don't. Love yourself first...more info
  • Appreciation
    I don't care about the cheating part of this book... Maybe the author has it right, maybe he doesn't. I didn't care about any of that.. it was useful to me in a different way. My mom told me to download it off of Oprah.com, so I did to see what it was about (it is intriguing wondering why some men cheat.. ) and I read it, once I saw what it was talking about.
    It helped me in my marriage.. because my husband had been giving me so many clues as to what it was he needed from me, and I wasn't very tuned into it, because he wasn't as vocal about his needs as I am about mine.
    My husband would say things like "It seems like you don't appreciate me..."
    Or.. If we had a fight or anything, he would basically say what the author talked about,, "I can never win".. although not using those words.
    I have a really amazing husband who tries very much to make me happy and to keep our relationship healthy- I didn't realize that the way I was pinpointing things to be fixed, was also making him feel like he never made me happy.. He fills up my "love tank" (see the book 7 love languages- also amazing for us) regularly, and I want to be as loving back. This book helped me to see how I wasn't showing him the appreciation he certainly earns..

    And.. If some women don't think they should show appreciation when their husband does basic things like- take out the garbage and make some food for you- I think that is wrong. He doesn't actually have to do ANYTHING and chances are your guy has qualities that you like and that are worth showing appreciation for. I know I love it when my husband shows appreciation for the little things I do for him.. They need it to!!

    I also recommend getting a book on the Meyers-Briggs typing and find out what you both are. That has also helped us immensely in understanding one another. It helps to realize that personality type means people prefer certain ways of being and this can help you avoid conflict once you realize that he prefers to be the one to fix things, but that you are better with finances. (or whatever it may be). It can also help you understand why your spouse never notices the dirty socks he/she leaves on the floor. ;)

    Just my .02 cents. Nothing too complicated....more info
  • Wrong Target
    Author Gary Neuman asked cheating husbands why they cheated on their wives. The husbands faulted their wives for their actions claiming their wives didn't meet their sexual and emotional needs, so they felt they had no other choice but to get those needs met through a mistress. At first, the author says women should not be blamed for their husband's infidelity and that she's not responsible for his actions, but then spends the entire book telling women they need to fix his problem by making sure they meet his needs from now on so he won't cheat on her. But if she's not to blame for the problem, why is the burden on her to fix it?

    This is a case of actions speaking louder than words and revealing the author's true feelings about male infidelity. His solution is basically for wives to act more like the less complicated, less demanding, and totally accommodating mistresses that these men are sneaking off to. The logic being that once she starts acting more like a mistress rather than a wife, then just like that, she will have successfully "affair-proofed" her marriage and will be able to transform a self-absorbed man into a considerate man who would never cheat on her.

    Okay, where to begin? Why don't I begin with the most blatantly obvious point that's missing from this book and it has to do with choice. If these husbands weren't getting enough sexual and emotional attention, it certainly explains why they were unhappy in their marriage and why they would be drawn to other women who supplied these things on demand, but it doesn't excuse his cheating. Both the husbands and this author act as if their suffering was so great that they had no other choice but to have an affair, but they did have choices. They could've:

    1 -- Assertively asked their wives to meet their needs
    I understand that men have their pride and asking a woman for help can be embarrassing for them, especially asking for something like more compliments. But his wife is not a mind reader. If he wants his needs met, he will need to vocalize them. Maybe to him his needs seem so obvious they shouldn't have to be vocalized, but that's a false assumption. What may be important to him may not be that big a deal for her, so if it's missing in the marriage, it won't be made a priority unless he makes it a big deal. And if he approaches her in an assertive way that neither aggressively demands compliance nor passively hints at compliance via a guilt trip, then his chance for success in getting his needs met will increase.

    2 -- Ask for a divorce
    These husbands claimed that they tried everything they could to make their marriages work, but no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't win. Well, if the situation were truly that hopeless, if he assertively asked his wife to address his needs, but she coldly refused to, then why was he still sticking around for that kind of abuse? Why string along someone you neither love nor feel loved by? But I also question just how hard these men really tried. These men came across as pretty passive and quick to throw in the towel. And then they went out in public behaving like single, unattached men. So, if they're going to BEHAVE like single, unattached men, then they should BE single, unattached men.

    3 -- Ask for a separation
    If these men were unhappy, but unclear as to whether they should stay or go, they could've asked for a separation to clear their head. There would also be a clear understanding that they are both free to see other people during this time. This way, he can experience if the grass is really greener on the other side being with this woman without betraying his wife in the process.

    4 -- Ask for an open marriage
    If he doesn't want to divorce because it's too expensive or he wants to see his kids everyday, then he can opt for an open marriage where they're each free to live together, but lead separate lives. He's already doing that, but this way, she has the opportunity to as well, so as not to be sexist. I have a feeling these men don't opt for that because while they are comfortable allowing another woman to caress their naked body, they would be furious if another man were allowed to caress his wife's naked body. His wife may not go along and if that's the case, he could either respect her decision by sending signals to the potential mistress that an affair is not going to happen or ask for a divorce/separation. But chances are, if he's asking for an open marriage, his wife will be curious to know why and that could possibly lead to the first honest conversation they've ever had about his unmet needs.

    So, unless his mistress put a gun to his head or his father pulled a Freaky Friday by stepping into his body and making him have sex with another woman, he had a choice in the matter. He may claim he was overcome with emotion and couldn't help himself, but I'm sure there have been times where he has been so angry he could murder someone, but he controlled that impulse to do so despite how pleasurable it would feel at the time. He may also site a broken marriage, but just like there are kids from broken homes who choose to rise above the situation, there are also people in broken marriages who choose to rise above that situation, so that is not an excuse either. Remember, there's a faithful spouse in this equation. If he was unhappy in the marriage, chances are good his wife was, too...and yet she chose not to cheat. He could've chosen not to cheat, too. Because he DID choose to cheat, he is 100% responsible and accountable for his decisions.

    The second blatantly obvious point missing in this book has to do with character. Character is who you are when no one is looking. If when his wife is not looking, he's breaking the mutually agreed upon rules of the monogamous contract, then what does that say about his character? These men all said they would never confess to their affairs, not even if asked outright, and my guess is it's because they wouldn't want their wives probing too deeply into their character. The author doesn't want wives probing too deeply into their character either. Like a magician using misdirection or the Wizard of Oz telling everyone not to look at the man behind the curtain, the author focuses women on their own character instead of his. If she did focus on his character, she'd realize that it's not her actions that caused his affairs, but his mindset.

    The author does try to redeem these men's character by claiming they feel guilty about their affairs, but the stories he provided didn't support that claim. For instance, one man described in detail how he invented business trips in order to get away with cheating. The way he described it sounded like a man bragging how he pulled one over on his wife. When the author asked him if he felt guilty about that, the man replied, "I guess you feel guilty." You guess??

    See, I think these men claimed to feel guilty because they sensed that's what the author wanted to hear. After all, these men couldn't successfully pull off an affair if they weren't adept at lying.

    Instead of feeling guilty, it seemed instead that these men felt entitled to have an affair...and you can't feel both guilty about something and entitled at the same time. The feeling seemed to be that since their wives weren't playing nice, they weren't going to play nice. Tit for tat -- though an affair is a far worse punishment than anything she could dish out. These men sounded like little boys who get in trouble for pulling their sister's hair saying, "Well, she started it!" Instead of challenging these men's immature coping skills, the author indulges their self-pity by taking sides and basically agreeing, that yeah, she did start it and she needs to stop if if she wants him to stop it.

    Another case of self-pity is a man who thought it was ridiculous that his wife didn't catch on to his affairs. He would tell her he was going to play golf even though he didn't own golf clubs and was annoyed that his wife didn't catch on. I guess it never occured to him (because he was so wrapped up in his own self-pity) that the reason his wife didn't suspect anything was because she had total faith and trust in him that he would never cheat on her behind her back. And I guess it also never occured to him that since trust is something that should be earned, that trust he gained from his wife was trust he hadn't earned. And this is the type of guy the author wants women to knock themselves out trying to keep in their life?

    Earlier I said a man could control his urge to cheat the same way he can control his urge to murder, but he can only if his conscience is stronger than his urges. If he has a strong conscience, then he won't cheat not even if he has both motive and opportunity. It would be like trying to get intimate with someone covered in urine. No matter how emotionally and/or sexually attracted, that smell (his conscience) would kill the mood. But if that smell is weak, then forget it. You could follow all the steps in this book and he will still cheat because a man with a weak conscience will always search for and successfully find a good enough excuse to bend the rules in his favor. And a woman cannot take on the impossible task of being his conscience for him.

    A slippery conscience will certainly lead a man to stray, but so too will slippery boundaries. Despite what other's say, I don't believe affairs "just happen". Boundaries don't get crossed without an invitation. Trying to seduce a married man is a very bold move. Without the green light from him, a mistress would grow bored of the chase or be too embarrassed to continue. Another way to tell that affairs don't start innocently would be to ask the cheating husband if he would've treated this new woman in exactly the same manner as he would if his wife were standing by his side the entire he was getting to know her. If his answer is No, then that proves that he was behaving in ways that guaranteed the affair would happen.

    A man's conscience and his boundary limits are all things that a woman cannot control, yet how strong or weak these are will determine whether an affair will happen or not. The only person who has control over whether a man cheats or not then is the man himself. So by focusing all the attention women's behavior in this book, doesn't that seem like the author is aiming at the wrong target?

    If a man carries with him a weak conscience and weak boundary limits coupled with a narcissistic sense of entitlement and a victim mentality, then it's not accurate to say that his wife is the one who caused his affair to happen. He was an affair just waiting to happen.

    But I understand how women in particular could be vulnerable in thinking otherwise. I mean, what woman alive hasn't tried to change a man? What woman hasn't been guilty of excusing bad behavior thinking he's just misunderstood and just needs the love of a good woman and of course, she is the angel sent from above to come and save this man from himself? It's very flattering to the ego to think this way...but it's also delusional. If a man is going to change his mindset, it's because his mindset no longer works for HIM and because he wants to change badly enough. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. We hear that a million times, yet it doesn't seem to stick which is why books like this are in existence in the first place.

    Women are also guilty of "if only" thinking. If only she acted in more loving ways, then he wouldn't act in unloving ways. This thinking starts in childhood when a child thinks "if only" they hadn't been such a bad kid, then their parents wouldn't drink so heavily, wouldn't hit them, wouldn't have abandoned them, etc... But by doing so, they take away the responsiblity from him and carry in on their shoulders which will not help either of them. Imagine you knew a woman whose husband just hit her. Would you tell her that if only she had shown him more love, he wouldn't have been reduced to having to hit her? Would you tell her that all she needs to do is follow the instructions in this book and he will never hit her again? Would that message "empower" her...or give her a false sense of security?

    The problem I had with the solutions offered in this book is not that men shouldn't get their needs met. The needs they mentioned (wanting more attention, admiration, affection, etc...) are all legitimate needs. And if you love someone, you should want to please them. My problem is that some of these solutions ask a woman to act like her husband's mommy. For example, the author tells women they need to keep their husbands away from any friends they have that are cheaters. Like a good mommy, she needs to choose his friends for him since these men claimed they wouldn't have had an affair had it not been for the influence of their cheating friends. Are you really surprised they would blame their friends for their actions? First their wives, now their friends.... One man said he went out dancing with other women only because his friend insisted on it. So am I to believe he tried his hardest to fight off his friend or am I to believe he couldn't say No because he didn't want to hurt his friend's feelings? What if his friend suggested they go swimming with sharks, would he have gone because the poor guy just can't say No to his friends so his wife will have to be there to intervene?

    The problem with that logic can be summed up in the saying, "Birds of a feather flock together". These men chose these friends for a reason. If their friends' cheating ways bothered their conscience so much, they would've ditched those friends long ago and his wife's interference would be unnecessary. Another point that's ironic is that the author also advises women to have more sex with their husbands and to show more respect. But how she feel sexual towards someone she's also treating like a son? How can she have respect for someone she's also treating like an unruly 2-year old?

    My fear is that because of this book, woman are going to become paranoid everytime they get into an unsettled argument with their husband or deny his sexual advances or basically not love him in the exact way he wants her to thinking, oh no, now he's going to sneak around behind her back and it'll be her fault. Discovering an affair is a traumatic event for someone, but to add a guilt trip on top of that saying if only she had loved him better, this never would've happened, is just cruel. That's mental abuse. And that's why I've given this the lowest rating possible.

    My other fear is that men reading this will also join in on the shame blame game. After all, he's not going to want to see himself as a failure, so he'll project his shame onto his wife so the shame can be carried on her shoulders instead of on his. He'll blame in order to feel justified in betraying her trust in him and to also avoid any negative consequences that would result in doing so. And with a rabbi backing him up, it will work! But blaming, while it'll make him feel better in the short term, will not lead to personal growth in the long term. By holding other people responsible for his happiness, he strips away his own power and will remain stuck.

    I think a better book would be not only challenge men's passive-aggressive responses to stress, but to also teach them how to assertively deal with their issues head on. This book does the opposite -- indulge his childish responses and then have women acting like mommies trying to anticipate when their unruly child-like husbands might get into trouble and then stepping in and taking over their lives. Personal growth won't happen that way. And neither one of them will win....more info
  • Bi-Sexual cheating Husbands!
    My Ex-husband cheated because he turned out to be Bi-Sexual and I did not know this when we married. So this book could not of made a difference.

    ...more info
  • The (one-sided) Truth about (the two-sided problem of) Cheating
    Based on a 42-question survey of divorced men; one hundred cheaters and one hundred non-cheaters were questioned about why they cheated. Unsurprising (to us men), when the husbands were asked why they cheated, the most popular answer was not because of wild sex or even the beauty of the illicit partner, but emotional dissatisfaction with the existing marriage partner. Further, they admitted to having wives who sent them the constant unsubtle messages that they were losers: less than adequate husbands; that they were in effect insensitive, lazy, and selfish. And their wives reserved the right to define them that way. Husbands thus felt that they were in a lose-lose situation. And then along comes a "little honey" that strokes this much-bruised ego, and boom, an illicit affair is on.

    The crowning revelation of the book is that men are emotional beings and react as such (duh), even when societal conditionin often leaves them tongue-tied and unable to express their feelings competently.

    So a man (M. Gary Neuman, the author) tells women that men are emotional beings: surprise, surprise? Surely this author knows better than anyone else that infidelity is now not just a one-sided but a two-sided problem. And more importantly, he knows as well that almost all infidelity, no matter the side, is emotional fidelity. Its just that when women use "emotional dissatisfaction" as justification for infidelity, they get sympathy and permission just short of a "full pass" to go ahead with the infidelity if helps to solve their other self-esteem problems. (Just be careful at it? Don't get caught.) And as usual the men get scape-goated as the uncaring unemotional deadweight of the marriage they are caricatured to be. When the shoe is on the other foot of this female double standard however, it somehow still gets to work to the women's advantage, women still get sympathy for their extramarital excursions, while men continue to get the shaft: "they are all just dogs anyway" (remember?)

    Although there is much useful information and helpful advice in this book there is a truism in play here that cannot be denied. In my view it is larger than the information in the book. It is this: Books for women about men invariably are about little more than correcting women's own distorted misconceived or preconceived self-definitions of men. If one judges by what appears in many women magazines, women tend to believe all of their own worse clich¨¦s and stereotypes about men and proceed through life as if these are 100% right, 100% of the time, when in fact most of their assumptions about both men and women are wrong, often very, very wrong indeed.

    However, since they have the "relationship gods forever on their side" and thus get the full benefit of our moral and cultural asymmetry when it comes to women responsibility in relationships: they expect to get away with murder (and do) all the time. But at the same time they expect to nail men to the cross for the very same infractions that they self-exonerate themselves and their sisters of?

    In a world with such a cockeyed double standard, how can a respected Marriage Counselor write a book about only one side (the waning side, no less) of the marriage infidelity problem? That is why, meaning no disrespect to the author, I believe that this book is more than just slightly disingenuous. No Marriage Counselor worth his salt would attempt to deal only with one side of the infidelity problem, for obviously this in relief, would only continue to reinforce the old "wives tale" that males are all promiscuous dogs and women are all as chaste as the virgin Mary, and as pure as the driven snow, and as trustworthy as Caesar's wife.

    The truth however, which this author obviously knew but lacked the courage to even mention it in his book, is that since the sexual revolution, women infidelity has pulled even with that of men, and in at least some polls has moved ahead of men. And no matter what source one uses, at least in terms of percentage increase over the last two decades, the rate of increase in women infidelity doubles that of males. With that being the case, why then one might wish to ask do we have a "male marriage counselor" writing a book only about "male infidelity?"

    Again meaning no disrespect, I fear that the simple answer is a mercenary one: talking about "male infidelity" sells more books, and it promotes ratings for the Oprah show. To raise the other "faster-moving but more unpopular side of this avowedly two-sided issue, which at this very moment is rampant, is just much too incendiary, in effect, just short of committing heresy in the present one-sided female favored climate. Even Oprah herself had to pause and apologize for the fact that the book in effect concludes that men have the same justifications for committing infidelity as women do.

    I believe we, and the marriage counseling business, deserve more than these commercial forays into the pop psychology field. This is much too serious business for another for that. Two stars....more info

 

 
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