Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving & Thriving With the Self-Absorbed
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How can you handle the narcissistic people in your life? They're frustrating (and maybe even intimidating) to deal with. You might need to interact with some of them in social or professional settings, and you might even love one--so sometimes it just doesn't work to simply ignore them. You need to find a way of communicating effectively with narcissists, getting your point across and meeting your needs while side-stepping unproductive power struggles and senseless arguments. This book offers a host of effective strategies for dealing effectively with someone who is at the center of his or her own universe.
Disarming the Narcissist will show you how to move past the narcissist's defenses using compassionate, empathetic communication. You'll learn how narcissists view the world, how to navigate their coping styles, and why, oftentimes, it's sad and lonely being a narcissist. By learning to anticipate and avoid certain hot-button issues, you'll be able to relate to narcissists without triggering aggression. By validating some common narcissistic concerns, you'll find out how to be heard in conversation with a narcissist. Finally, you'll learn how to set limits with your narcissist and when it's time to draw the line on unacceptable behavior.
"Anyone whose life predicament includes dealing with a narcissist will be well-advised to read Wendy Behary's book and heed her advice. Disarming the Narcissist offers sound suggestions and keen insights--a breakthrough in one of psychology's toughest cases."
--Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence
"...a valuable contribution to the growing self-help literature on the fascinating subject of narcissism. Behary takes the reader step-by-step through a process of understanding our personal triggers to the wounding inherent in narcissistic relations and then lays out a pathway for personal empowerment and change."
--Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW, author of Why Is It Always About You?
The borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide I have been reading this book because 3 members of you family have kind of Borderline Personality Disorder.These are people that are married into my family. This book has help me to understand, and to handed this into my life. Thank you for your help
Raves For Disarming The Narcissist... "Anyone whose life predicament includes dealing with a narcissist will be well-advised to read Wendy Behary's book and heed her advice. Disarming the Narcissist offers sound suggestions and keen insights -- a breakthrough in one of psychology's toughest cases."
Daniel Goleman, Author - Emotional Intelligence
"This is a timely and important book. Wendy Behary offers a uniquely well-articulated exploration of the complexities of living with a narcissist, along with a clear and elegant writing style. "Disarming The Narcissist," provides a treasure of insightful observations, and strategies to help those working or living with a narcissist. Behary's wisdom and warm humanity, together with her wide understanding and successful integration of interpersonal neurobiology and Schema Therapy, provides a fresh perspective that will help the reader make sense of relationships that often seem so confusing, and give them tools to do something about it. I recommend this book heartily."
Marion F. Solomon, Author of "Narcissism and Intimacy." and "Lean on Me."
"...a valuable contribution to the growing self-help literature on the fascinating subject of narcissism. Wendy Behary takes the reader step-by-step through a process of understanding our personal triggers to the wounding inherent in narcissistic relations, and then lays out a pathway for personal empowerment and change."
Sandy Hotchkiss, Author of "Why Is It Always About You?"
"Books seem to jump off the shelf and into my arms, with perfect timing, exactly when I'm ready to receive what they offer and able digest it with any understanding. The last time it happened was few weeks ago. It was "Disarming the Narcissist" by Wendy T. Behary, which landed with precision and perfect timing.
People I love have been hurt by me being one, and I have been hurt also. Then there are people in my life who have 'disarmed' me by loving me enough to be honest, hold up the mirror while staying committed. They cushion me while I do the hard workout of taking responsibility and owning it.
In movies, I always feel tense when the good guy carrying a gun is pointing at the bad guy with the gun, trying to force him to lay down his gun. Sometimes the good guy tricks him into it.
The best scene is when some noble, brave, courageous person walks up without any tricks up his sleeve and gently persuades the bad guy to give it up and he trustingly is able to. He might have some consequences, but he also has a future.
This book was pointed and honest, yet offered hope for a graceful future. Squirm if you need to, I did; then untie these gifts. Use them, wear them out!"
*The art of mutual respect is an expression of the gift of generosity.
*The art of self-disclosure is an expression of the gift of courage.
*The art of discernment is an expression of the gift of truth.
*The art of collaboration is an expression of the gift of shared effort.
*The art of anticipating clashes is an expression of the gift of foresight.
*The art of apology is an expression of the gift of responsibility.
*The art of reflective listening is an expression of the gift of balance.
from "Disarming the Narcissist"
Laying It Down (Kathleen Overby, Author - Blog "Almost Paradisical")
"For the practicing clinician there is perhaps no other group of clients more difficult to work with or that generates more fear and feelings of inadequacy than the Narcissist. In Disarming the Narcissist, Wendy T. Behary has provided both the theoretical knowledge and practical advice necessary for clinicians to understand, empathize and, thus, help this challenging group of clients and their partners. Her 'disarmingly' straightforward, accessible style and impressive clinical experience make this a very valuable book indeed."
William M. Zangwill, Ph.D., Director, EMDR Associates
"Having been trained by Wendy Behary, I can say that she has a rare combination of nuanced empathy with wonderful mastery of therapeutic practice in general, and schema therapy in specific. I look forward to her new book and to further supervision and training with her with great anticipation."
Dr. John F. Gasiewski, Clinician, Mountainside Hospital Outpatient Behavior Health and psychotherapist in private practice, Montclair, NJ and New York City.
"Nobody understands and can translate to the public the complexities of narcissism better than the author, nobody! She is a top clinician as well as a teacher."
Patrice Fiore, psychotherapist, New Jersey
"Wendy Behary's knowledge, understanding, insight, compassion and level of skill in working with narcissism are unparalleled. She is known, respected and sought after in her professional world as a gifted speaker, clinician, teacher and mentor. Disarming the Narcissist is an exceptional, comprehensive work that allows her to bring her wisdom and expertise to the larger lay audience---couples and individuals struggling in these challenging relationships. Both the lay and professional reader will come away comforted and empowered---equipped with the coping skills and tools necessary for self care and transformation."
Mary Burke, New Jersey
"Wendy Behary is a gifted and dynamic therapist with a depth of experience with clients who are many therapists' worst nightmare. She has created an accessible and profoundly useful guide to understanding and thriving in relationships with narcissists. Disarming the Narcissist is an exciting culmination of Wendy's pioneering work. Always the consummate teacher, Wendy generously shares her hard-won knowledge with us, leaving us empowered, compassionate and "armed" with effective skills."
Robin Spiro, New Jersey
"Wendy Behary's ground breaking work with people with narcissism combines wisdom, compassion, and skill to achieve results once thought unattainable. Her clinical acumen, and clarity of thought and writing enable readers to understand, live with, and treat this population with empathy and understanding"
Lissa Parsonnet, psychotherapist/consultant
"Wendy Behary brings an astonishingly vast depth of empathy and compassion to her work. By playing to a person's strengths, along with the use of gentle but firm confrontation, she successfully encourages her clients to reach new heights of emotional maturity. She utilizes these same qualities and more as she trains other clinicians to acquire such skills. Wendy Behary is truly a masterful clinician and teacher."
Barbara Levy, New Jersey
"Wendy brilliantly captures the mind of a narcissist and skillfully addresses the underlying core issues that affect these individuals. For every narcissistic situation you encounter as a therapist, Wendy has assessed, treated, and lectured on this issue countless times over. Don't miss her expertise in presenting the complexities of these cases in her new book!"
Rosemary Erickson, New Jersey
"In a world of rapidly advancing psychotherapeutic techniques and understanding, Wendy Behary's book adds a much-needed resource that represents great clinical depth and experience with this often misunderstood, under-served clientele. It's a delight to see Wendy Behary's well-known wisdom and compassion now available to all of us that have struggled with this often misunderstood, under-treated clientele."
Bob Jaskiewicz, Director - Montclair Health Associates, New Jersey
"Wendy Behary is a first-rate clinician who applies complex and sophisticated thought to a very difficult clinical problem."
Lynn Mollick, NJ-Association of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists
"Within each and every pathologically narcissistic individual sits a vulnerable hidden self who is desperate to be genuinely known and loved. In the face of Wendy Behary's fearless yet compassionate clinical expertise, clients who are seemingly egomaniacal reveal their inner selves enabling Wendy to guide them toward psychological and interpersonal growth and wellness. She is a master clinician and teacher who has deeply and positively influenced the way I approach my most challenging clients."
Ava Schlesinger, Owner/Director Terra Sky Center for Wellness, Summit, NJ
"Feeling empathy begins with understanding. Wendy Behary is a first-rate teacher who helps us understand Narcissism and provides new tools to heal clients, which is nearly impossible without the experience of empathy."
Alp Karaosmanoglu, MD, PsikoNET Psychotherapy and Training Center, Istanbul
"Wendy is a unique blend - an empathetic and caring individual and a talented and skilled clinician. She has for many years been an inspiration to her patients and her colleagues."
Irv Finklestein, Director ADHD 911, New Jersey
Feedback (Quotes) from Professionals Who Attend Her Workshops -
When asked what they like about Wendy Behary:
* "She is captivating. Great presenter."
* "This presenter/author is dynamic, very knowledgeable, good in theory and in practice examples."
* "Everything...she is great!"
* "She knows her material and is confident in what she does"
* "I signed up for this class because I wanted more ideas on working with narcissists, not because I particularly thought I would enjoy it. The presenter was energetic, passionate, and all in all surprisingly terrific. She brought the material to life in unexpected ways."
* "Wendy is an awesome presenter and helped me better understand my narcissistic clients."
* "This is one of the best workshops I've ever attended."
Insightful & Practical, Easy to understand. A Must Read Book! Wendy Behary has deep scientific knowledge of her topic and immense clinical experience. They both come in very handy as she writes this insightful book that is also full of practical advice as to how to cope and survive the self-absorbed (and there are so many of them out there, some in disguise!). Even though she uses a lot of hard scientific information, her book is easy to understand by any reader without specific knowledge on the subject. It is a must read kind of book for all those dealing with a narcissist in their lives, but also for anyone intrigued by the complexity of human nature....more info
Oh please. Not very helpful book. Some of the descriptions of narcissists really hit home, but aside from that there was nothing here of interest to me. Her suggestions of what to say to a narcissist were good for a laugh. I have been in long-term relationships with two of these characters and if I had ever said anything like she suggests, they would have laughed in my face and called me insane. You cannot reason with these people, period....more info
Just as described I found this book to be very helpful in showing me how to understand the way a narcissist thinks and why they act the way they do. It also helped me to understand how to deal with them. I give this book a big 'Thumbs Up'...more info
Very informatiive and enlightening This is a great book. I was married to a man who was clinically diagnosed with narcisstic personality disorder. He was threatened by the fact that I felt good about myself in a healthy way - recognizing my own strengths and weaknesses and he would try to take everything good about me and tear it down and exaggerate any flaws. At first, it made me wonder why someone would treat me this way and I became depressed. I was smart enough to get counseling which equates to information and support and counteracts their attacks. He hated this. He wanted control. I went on to watch him have many children with many women after I divorced him and the last one physically hurt him. I never thought he'd admit anything but he told (after not talking to him for about 10 years) that MAYBE he was the catalyst for the angry behaviors he instilled in people. Hey, for him that was a HUGE thing to admit. At any rate, I've dealt with a lot of people who want to sabotage others - they must be first at all costs and then there are those who simply are insecure and you really can stay in friendships, relationships, etc. if it's on a mild degree but you MUST balance that with several psychologically healthy people. If the relationship is toxic, move on - there are too many good people out there. A little bit of healthy narcissism is good in all of us - helps build self-esteem but either extreme - feeling you're better than everyone or being beat down by someone who thinks they're better than everyone (or wants to think that) - common sense tells you that that is NOT healthy. This book is well-written and although we all interpret things differently, there seems to be a consensus that she delivers the right message and does a great job doing so. I think this is a great book for anyone to read....more info
Most disappointing Unfortunately, the suggestions provided in this book to disarm a narcissist would only be useful when dealing those who do Not have narcissism. It appears this book has been written based on theory only and provides the reader with extremely ineffective suggestions for practical application.
I have read many, many books on the subject and by far this one was the most disappointing....more info
Annoying The author is a licensed social worker. Not a psychologist. Not a psychiatrist. A social worker. Not qualified to write as an expert, no matter how many narcissists she's known. Her advice (breathing exercises, imagery...) is worthless. Worse, her delivery is annoying. Anyone seen the TV ad for Lyrica? That artist whose fibromyalgia left her poor pathetic joints "...so tender to the touch...". This book is full of wimpy turns of phrase like that. They leave you wondering, "What movie am I in? Who talks like this?" For instance, after recalling painful childhood memories, we're supposed to "Say thank you to the part of you that kept you safely grounded so that you could make the journey." Please. I'd feel like Stuart on SNL. Her advice basically boils down to checking out and going to your "happy place". Find another book to disarm a narcissist. Or better yet, buck up and get the narcissist out of your life. They're not worth it....more info
Ineffective for dealing with narcissist personality disorder Having to deal with family members with NPD, I was looking for more information. The book fell short. The descriptions of narcissists are right on the money, but the suggestions offered are psychobabble. For example, this is the author's suggestion for dealing with a narcissistic bully, "Leanna, this is very uncomfortable and embarrassing. It is also very disappointing to me that you seem to have little regard for my feelings and act as if it's perfectly ok to do as you please, even when it has a negative impact on me. I know that you are very accustomed to taking charge and making things go your way, and you take pride in that. But it is not ok for you to dismiss my rights and my feelings..." This SOUNDS good, but a true narcissist would become even more abusive and demeaning.
Really the truth is that the only way to save yourself is to avoid the close relationships with folks with NPD(narcissists are usually verbally abusive when denied their own way.) Either that, or you have to be a doormat. If you had parents with NPD and have chosen a significant other with it, you certainly look into why you have chosen someone like that.
I just hate to think of someone suffering through verbal abuse and thinking that they can somehow fix it....more info
Trying To Help Anyone who has a child, especially a daughter, in a difficult personal situation would "give anything" to be able to help. I purchased this book for my daughter and found that it describes her husband beyond my expectations. I am hoping the strategies the author includes will help my daughter toward a happier life. Giving a book can be a lot better than "giving advice..."...more info