|Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child
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In Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, psychology professor John Gottman explores the emotional relationship between parents and children. It's not enough to simply reject an authoritarian model of parenting, Gottman says. A parent needs to be concerned with the quality of emotional interactions. Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, and coauthor Joan Declaire focus first on the parent (a "know thyself" approach), and provide a series of exercises to assess parenting styles and emotional self-awareness. The authors identify a five-step "emotion coaching" process to help teach children how to recognize and address their feelings, which includes becoming aware of the child's emotions; recognizing that dealing with these emotions is an opportunity for intimacy; listening empathetically; helping the child label emotions; setting limits; and problem-solving. Chapters on divorce, fathering, and age-based differences in emotional development help make Gottman's teachings detailed and useful. --Ericka Lutz
Intelligence That Comes from the Heart
Every parent knows the importance of equipping children with the intellectual skills they need to succeed in school and life. But children also need to master their emotions. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is a guide to teaching children to understand and regulate their emotional world. And as acclaimed psychologist and researcher John Gottman shows, once they master this important life skill, emotionally intelligent children will enjoy increased self-confidence, greater physical health, better performance in school, and healthier social relationships. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child will equip parents with a five-step "emotion coaching" process that teaches how to:
* Be aware of a child's emotions
* Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
* Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings
* Label emotions in words a child can understand
* Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation
Written for parents of children of all ages, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child will enrich the bonds between parent and child and contribute immeasurably to the development of a generation of emotionally healthy adults.
- teaching kids about emotions
This book helps parents understand how their personal philosophy about their own emotions influences what and how they teach their children about emotions, such as how to recognize, express, and control anger. The book provides a simple self-test to help parents understand what their philosopy is and how it impacts interactions with their children. For example, some parents do not permit their children to express anger at them while others are accepting of their children being openly angry with them. There are very different long-range implications of these different philosophies and parenting styles. This book helps parents to assess their own philosophy and consider changes in their parenting style. ...more info
- Raising a child is really really really challenging...
So many times, before I know it, I'm launching into telling my son what to do, how, where, why... Without giving him a chance! And I've already read most of the book! It is so important how we talk to our kids. If we say the wrong words too often, we build up a wall in them. They need to express themselves and work out their own problems and feel SAFE expressing EVERYTHING with you and TRUSTING YOU while not compromising your morals and beliefs. It's amazing how much happiness there is between parent and child. It's the best thing in the world! Yet I fear, it is so easy to watch it all disappear without knowing why. This book gives you a chance NOW, to hear yourself and gives you the instructions to hold on to that joy and pride. I KNOW when I have said the RIGHT thing. This book taught me things you just don't get with trial and error! Instead of grasping at the vapor fumes of youth's departure, I know, I'm doing the best I can to be there always, with love being true. Do NOT forget this: #1 ALL PARENTS MUST ALWAYS READ ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN. (Trust the wealth of literature! Really! Don't fool around with trial and error. A child is NOT your first model airplane where you didn't read the instructions beforehand!) #2 THIS BOOK SHOULD BE ON THAT REQUIRED LIST!
Thanks for reading! Take the stand. Be there for your kids....more info
Another great parenting book to add to my list. This book was a great parent evaluator. Every parent "needs" to be an emotion coach.
A must for every parent! You'll have no regrets....more info
- Imagine if your own parents had read this book...
There are many parenting books out there that are as controversial as they are popular. You use what you find helpful and ignore what doesn't fit in with your own personal parenting philosophy. I found most of Goleman's techniques in this book to be insightful and invaluable.
Too often, we may find ourselves giving in to venting our anger or frustration at our children for our own emotional benefit, forgetting that they are not adept at reading their own feelings much less yours. It is too easy to discount our little ones' cries as merely manipulative attempts to get what they want. (The author DOES recognize that children DO try to manipulate adults in this way and recommends not using emotion coaching in those instances.) This is a realistic, practical, and easily read book told from the perspective of a father who also relays helpful instances in his own life where he'd used emotion coaching.
One benchmark that I often use to judge parenting books are their philosophies on punishment, particularly time-outs. Goleman believes in the proper implementation of time-outs. They are to be consistent and respectful, not opportunities to emotionally berate or humiliate children. He believes that it is best used for children aged 3-8 and should last about a minute. You may want use Amazon's search-within-a-book feature and search for "time-out" to get a better idea.
The author sites studies showing that emotional intelligence is linked to higher reading and math IQ's, social competence, and physical health. We all wish the best for our children, and reading this book will help you to be the best parent you can be. More than that, you've probably noticed, that our children have a lot more benefits available to them than we did (baby care gadgets, nutritional food, innovative schooling, etc.) and yet, if I were to choose one benefit of our present to have as a child, I would have wished that my own parents had read this book. How wonderful that would have been! ...more info
- don't wait to read this one!
extremely interesting (and not only for parents but anyone who wants to know more about their childhoods as well) and helpful book about the nature of interaction with our children, the daily exchanges and the big picture, how different parenting styles impact your child's perceptions, behaviors and self esteem from an early age. good methologies for forging healthy emotional exchanges, well-organized and written, this one is a gem...more info
- Different flavour than Gottman's marriage books
I got this book because I admire Gottman's marriage books, especially the idea that different people express themselves in different ways, and not all couples have to sit down and have "meaningful" heart to hearts to get along.
Unfortunately, this book leans the direction of only one way of doing it right. Those of us at the ends of bell curve that were so delighted to see how two similar grownups could have a good life together even if it didn't fit the TV world of everyone talking everything over, get left out of this book. If people do grow up to have normal but avoidant marriage styles, why can't that style carry over to parenting? Especially if your child is so like you, the two of you sometimes, in a tricky situation, just look at each other and nod.
Also, I found the assessment questions more black-and-white than in the marriage books. I wanted to answer "sometimes" to far too many. (E.g. "it is a good thing to express emotion"...this depends entirely on the situation!)...more info
Gottman, well-known for his books on marriage and divorce prediction, presents a terrific look at parenting from an "emotion coaching" standpoint. This is an easy-to-read book that can change one's thinking about negative emotion from, well, negative, to inevitable and necessary....more info
- Excellent parenting book
I am a child/family psychologist and don't like most parenting books for my clients because they present theories as facts without the research behind it. This is one of 3 books that I recommend because it is well-researched yet easy to read and comprehend. Gottman's work in the field of psychology is highly respected, and the research from which this book emanates is thorough and rigorous. Yet his format in the book is such that you can immediately begin to apply his "emotion-coaching" technique. If you are having difficulty coping with your child's emotional outbursts, read this book!...more info
- The Go-To Mom Gives "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" 5 Gold Stars
John Gottman produces the most insightful and inspiring books I have ever read. All his work is well worth the investment. Every parent should own a copy of this book and refer to it on a regular basis. There would be less violence, suicide, depression and school drop out if children where raised by parents who had more empathy and understanding of the important role that emotions play in early childhood. Buy this book and hold it close, it may change your life. Other books that you may find helpful are: Kids-Parents and Power Struggles, How To Talk So Kids Can Listen, Got the Baby Where's the Manual, Between Parent and Child,and Undconditional Parenting.
Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT
Licensed Child Therapist
Author: Mommy Confidence: 8 Easy Steps to Reclaiming Balance, Motivation, and Your Inner Diva ...more info
- Helpful tips
I found this book useful with some practical ideas. Discipline tips are particularly useful and realistic. ...more info
- One of the best parenting books!
You can find a lot of books about parenting, but many of them are just pop psychology, the solitary opinion of the author.
Gottman is definitely not one of them. He is known as one of the leading psychologists in the area of family and marriage psychology. This book presents the essence of his research findings about raising emotionally intelligent children.
His advise is surprisingly easy and is based on a 5 step model:
1. Be aware of your child's emotion
2. See your child's emotions as an opportunity to be close together
3. Actively listen to your child and validate the feelings
4. Help your child to verbalize his feelings
5. Help your child solve problems, while setting clear limits
Gottman clearly explains how you can implement this 5-step-model in daily life and what to do when problems arise. His real life examples make reading really fun.
All in all, an excellent parenting book! As a supplement, I can also recommend the book by M. Seligman: "The optimistic child"...more info
- What Every Parent Should Know!
I decided to read this book after completing a summer with my children and I thought it would be a good read. I don't claim to be the best father in the world, but I'm always up for areas I can improve. This book truly opened my eyes in several areas where I realized I could take a bit of a different road. My two daughters are very precious to me and I learned a lot in this book. I ended up reading it in two evenings and I must say a lot of it was very enlightening. And as funny as this sounds, after reading this book, I really appreciate my parents now as an adult because, according to this book, they did a lot things that were right on....more info
- Very Helpful
Excellent resource for parents - quick read.
Would like to have had more specific conversation examples for very young children (my youngest is 3) however am already noticing a positive change in my children's behavior as a result of using book's tactics. ...more info
- The first parenting book that I agree with...
Many parenting books make many suggestions, of which I pick one and that is about it. This is the first book that I agree with virtually 100%. It has benefited not only my parenting but my personal and business relationships as well. I literally hand out copies to coaches, teachers and the occasional friend that is searching for a better way to parent. It has been the first book that realistically addresses not only my children but me as a parent, without making me feel guilty or stupid. We all have to deal with fun and frustration, cuddling and craziness...the reccomendations in this book helped me find great perspective on all those aspects of being a part of a family....more info
- Great Ideas
This is an incredible book. I gives som many interesting ideas and examples....more info
Great book. A must read for every parent. One of the best parenting books out there....more info
- A Must-Read for all Parents, Grandparents and Childcare
Emotional Intelligence, EQ, has a lot of great resources, such as the classics by Daniel Goleman Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary Edition; Why It Can Matter More Than IQ and his workbooks, as well as a wealth of great studies by Harvard Business, MIT, McKinsey and Wharton, but this book takes a wonderful look at how to raise your child as an "emotional coach". Negative emotions are a fact of life, and how we use these emotional moments is an opportunity to teach important life lessons and build closer relationships with our child.
Beginning immediately in Chapter 1 on page 24, you find the these key responses for successful parent-child interactions and the building of emotional intelligence: 1. Become aware of the child's emotion, 2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching, 3. Listen empathetically, validating the child's feelings, 4. Help the child find words to label the emotion he is having, and 5. Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.
Chapter 2 provides a quiz to assess your parenting style, as well as identifying and explaining the four types of parenting. Chapter 3 examines the 5 steps above and goes into greater (much-needed) detail and provides quizzes on emotions, such as anger and sadness. It provides a list of 20 emotions and this quote helps you to gain insight on this chapter, "Kids often express their emotions indirectly and in ways that adults find puzzling. (not you, of course) If we listen carefully with open hearts, however, we can often de-code messages children unconsciously hide in their interactions, their play, their everyday behavior." Listening and identifying the problems and possible solutions that are based on your family values help your child to identify and choose their solution.
Chapter 4 covers emotion-coaching strategies, such as scaffolding of praise, being aware of your own agenda and how that can effect your child-parent relationship when it comes into play, and how to empower your child. It is also filled with many other strategies and ideas that are insightful and helpful. This is where you can learn the ins-and-pouts :) of how to interact. A couple of other resources in this area of the chapter (there are so many) are The Leader in Me: How Schools and Parents Around the World Are Inspiring Greatness, One Child At a Time and the list in the back of the book of over 40 children's books to read together at different stages, identifying emotions together, might be something to look at.
Chapter 5 deals with marriage, divorce, and your child's emotional health. I, myself, am re-married and am always trying to seek to do the best for our child and keep what is in his best interest at the forefront of my mind. Naturally, as we are both re-married and all have our perspectives, it can be a challenge at times, and a true gift to work together. This chapter can help in this area. I'd also suggest taking a look at Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation and Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life for more resources in this area.
In the next chapter, Chapter 6, the Father's Crucial Role, it has truly helped me in the understanding of why making sure that everyone is involved (to what extent is different for everyone) is so important, from the parents to the new bonus-parents. Fathers in both roles are incredibly important, as are their level of involvement. For both boys and girls, it describes what fathers can do in practical terms and how to strike a balance between your work life and home life... something we all can stand to work on at times.
Chapter 7 teaches you how to be an emotional coach as your child grows up. If you are giving this to a grandparent, childcare worker, or even another parent, be sure they read this helpful last chapter. Going through each of the stages of development (similar to the sociological stages of Piaget, Erikson and Mead- you can find them under sociology and psychology classics), Gottman identifies the most ideal ways to interact. From birth to adulthood, you never stop being a parent... helping your child to be emotionally intelligent is incredibly helpful (and some might say critical) to their development and success in life....more info
- Gottman hits the target...
Everything I am reading in this book makes so much logical sense in reflecting on my own experiences as a child and observing others and their interaction with children. I plan on reading it a second time...took notes in the columns for my husband and certainly plan on applying it in raising our son. A must read for ALL parents (especially future parents)!...more info
- Worthwhile reading
A good book to help your child get the intellectual skills they need to succeed in school and life. It helps with their emotions and their "emotional intellect" to create a better understanding of the world. Highly recommended.
- Thanks for this great book
Dr. Gottman, thanks for writing this book: it is a great gift to parents involved and interested in their kids development.
I loved this book because I felt, chapter by chapter, that you loved writing the book and sharing with the reader your great knowledge and your own experience as a father.
I personally liked the sixth chapter "The Father's Crucial Role" because it stresses the importance of the emotional connection between father and child.
I found as well very helpful the fifth chapter "Marriage, Divorce..." because it helped me shed light on my own childhood emotions with separated parents.
- Highly Recommended
As a new elementary guidance counselor, with a master's in general counseling, I wish the parents of all my students would read this book! Emotional Intelligence is a highly important teachable skill set for children, on the level of discipline or academics, but unfortunately much overlooked. I think Gottman is right on in terms of describing how to relate to children in ways that teach emotional skills in daily situations. This book captures and makes sense of so many of the little strategies I learned by trial and error through working with kids and observing many parents. Plus, Gottman's strategies should be helpful to parents with a wide range of values or discipline styles....more info
- Fantastic and practical parenting resource
This book is a practical and well-presented guide to recognizing, validating, and helping your child deal with emotions.
Gottman starts out with his rationale for Emotion Coaching, helps the parent assess their current parenting style, discusses the Key Steps and strategies for emotion coaching, and devotes an entire chapter to Marriage, Divorce, and Your Child's Emotional Health. At the end of the book he includes an age range breakdown of specific emotions to expect from your child (anxiety separation, fear of the dark, fear of death, adolescent separation...)
In the Marriage chapter, Gottman also includes a short summary of his renowned work in the study of relationships. He applies emotion coaching to avoiding the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that end marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
This book made me reevaluate the way I interact not just with my child, but my husband, and friends as well. I found it very enlightening. ...more info
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